Going it Alone

The glamour of doing professional shoots soon got thrown straight back at me in my sheer determination to succeed in this new career of mine.

Jody had given me the name of a couple of online modelling websites I could join free of charge. All I had to do was send them some pictures of me and fill in the form with all my contact details, stats and modelling info and voila! I was out there for all the world and his dog to see and book.

Proper agents took a commission for booking you. Some took it out of your fee and some took from the producer on top of your fee which was always a bonus. Producers and photographers usually preferred to book you away from agents for this reason. If anyone ever shot you they usually took your contact no. on the model release form anyway but if a model release wasn’t required they made sure they took it anyway. That way they could call you direct next time they wanted to book you or get you to fill in for some other girl who hadn’t shown up.

Agents knew it happened so they always tried to milk new girls for all they were worth as fast as they could. This is why you can be shot to death in this business within a matter of weeks. Some producers and photographers are chummy and share the details of new girls between them thus losing the need for an agent even more so.
An agent will push you to as many contacts as he can as quickly as he can before your no. starts getting out there on its own.

As I say the agents knew this practice went on but they never did anything about it. Bad business sense and laziness I guess. There saving graces were that they had a large catalogue of girls on their books so should a girl no show for a shoot, which was a regular occurrence, the agent could easily replace her. These were the times the producer was more than willing to pay a commission.

These online sites were like virtual agencies without the agent. The customer, the producer or photographer emailed the model directly and negotiated rates or whatever. There was no physical agent to pay a commission to.
However with no physical agent at hand to vet people claiming to be photographers or movie producers and production companies it was down to the model to ensure her own safety and that’s not as simple as it looks.
Its very easy for a guy to email saying he is Hugh Heffner and give a link to the playboy site. He just makes up an email like hugh_playboy @ hotmail.com and he’s away.
The sad thing is alot of girls are thick. Thick and lazy and ignorant to their own welfare and safety.

I found that most professional companies would call me direct either through an agent or by having been given my no. by another industry insider.
Emails were nine times out of ten from amateurs and wannabes and dodgy blokes trying their luck.

When my profile initially went up on the first modelling site I was delighted and excited to see a list of emails as long as my arm after just half a day. I read them all with gusto and thought about how popular I was and how much money I was going to make. I had no reason to distrust these people. So far id had a good and honest ride in porn.

I learnt to “read” peoples emails pretty damn quickly though. There are tell tale signs as well as switching on your common sense which as I say so many girls in porn lack.

Psychology lesson from a porn star

I often ponder why I ended up being in porn amongst other things. I over analyse situations involving myself and when my life is boring I try to work other people and their situations out. Sometimes that’s easier than working out myself. I think I figure if I can answer the questions of “why” in my life and have some sort of clarity I will suddenly become eternally happy.
I’m a narcissistic borderline personality with a tendency for hypochondria and am happy to spend time with councillors, reading self help books or partaking in self help groups.

I was just reading through some old notes from one group I attended and it suddenly struck me that people in porn are all similar in a handful of characteristics. I worked out a long time ago all porn performers, glamour models and even porn producers are simply seeking attention. Yes they are probably looking for it in the wrong place but plenty of other human beings do equally as silly things in order to meet the same need.

Sigmund Freud noted the act of reaction formation. This is where people in short do the opposite of what they feel. So if for example I believed I didn’t need to be loved by anyone I might go out of my way to try and make myself as loved by as many people as possible. Maybe by becoming a porn star.

Displacement is another noted defence mechanism in human beings. If say the same person as I discussed above who feels they don’t need to be loved decided to sub consciously make people love them by simply going out each weekend to the local night club or bar and picking up a different sexual partner each time they might fear being labelled a gigolo or its female counterpart, a slag. If they became a porn star that would mean it was their job to be that way and the immorality of the situation ceases.

Of course you do sometimes get people who simply can’t get enough sex. They are sexually frustrated in real life and so use sublimination and take on the role of someone who can get as much sex as they want or need.
Or on the other hand people who are emotionally retarded or too scared to get emotionally intimate with another person might choose to intellectualise the situation. This involves removing oneself from the stressful situation (in this case of getting intimate or emotionally attached) and using rationality (hey, I’m a porn star I don’t have to love this person to fuck them – it’s my job) to avoid a distressing situation.

That’s enough psycho babble for today.

Trouble In Paradise

My best friend was lying to me about not turning up to jobs and making me look like a fool in the process so we were on rocky ground to begin with.

I was fast coming to the conclusion that Cindy was a fantasist. She didn’t need to do porn to pay her bills. She had a normal job to do that so porn was just abit of fun and play to her. I’d met her on a job so I knew she would turn up for bookings when it suited her but the more I thought about it the more I realised she just liked the idea of being naughty and being made to feel sexy. Of being idolised by men and women the world over. Of getting to have sex with lots of good looking random strangers who were there for the same reasons as her. For being deemed as one of the glamorous elite.

Being a fantasist though sometimes shed lose her nerve and back out. She didn’t treat this as a job just a joke. A way to get her own kicks.
Each to their own and I guess she wasn’t physically hurting anyone but that soon changed.

I needed to go for my health check up and Cindy decided she should come along to and get herself tested. In those days tests weren’t mandatory for models only working to the levels Cindy worked too. Cindy said she should have one though to be on the safe side which I was pleasantly surprised to hear from her since she obviously wasn’t taking the business seriously.

We went back a week later for the results and Cindy was told she had a NSU. Non Specific Urethras. It wasn’t serious but they would treat her. She had most likely caught it sharing toys and these weren’t uncommon. Not an actual disease but the Drs found something there they didn’t deem serious enough to give its own name but wisely chose to treat anyway.
The clinic asked Cindy to take some treatment home for her boyfriend too as he would more than likely have it too.

We went back to her flat where she lived with her mum and boyfriend and she told me how she hated taking medicine especially pills. Rather strange since I later witnessed her downing ecstasy and fat lines of cocaine. I told her to crush up the pill and mix it in some yogurt. She did this and then pulled a disgusted face with the first mouthful. I told her she’d have to eat it now or she would have wasted the pill. The clinic only gave her one pill.
She made every excuse under the sun and in the end promised to eat it later. I left about 30 minutes later and I know that yogurt ended up in the bin.

How dare she do that to herself and to the people including me that she was going to work with. She knew she had something, however small and unthreatening, that could be passed on to her man or me or any other model but she wimped out of taking the medication and left everyone else at fates hand.
She didn’t see the harm in what she was doing as she couldn’t see further than herself in this business. There was only her having fun and nothing else occurred or mattered to her.

My mind was racing now that something was not right with this girl who I so much liked.

The icing on the cake came on the New Years Eve night I told you about earlier.
When Cindy, her man and myself all went back to the hotel in the early hours of the morning shed told me to get into bed with them both as she didn’t want me sleeping on the uncomfy sofa. The bed was a massive queen size affair so I agreed. Cindy and her fella started getting it on and kept looking over at me. People having sex in front of me was nothing new and I knew I wasn’t in their way as they had asked me to be in the bed with them. I just ignored them.

It wasn’t until the next day that the penny dropped. Cindy called me and said she was actually bi sexual. Not like most girls in the business that were gay for pay. She really was and she had convinced her fella to let her have a bisexual relationship with me as well as him. A love triangle. She had wanted me to join in with them in that bed that morning. I was told that I wasn’t allowed to engage in any action with her boyfriend though. He was off limits to me and we had to share Cindy but not each other.

I told her I liked her very much as a girl friend but that I didn’t think I was actually bi. I just enjoyed sex with men and woman. I certainly didn’t want that sort of relationship with a girl. And especially not a girl who was already with another guy. That just sounded unfair and like hard work to me. Not my cup of tea at all.

This girl was deluded. I’m sure she thought both of us would be falling at her feet for the opportunity. The fact shed gone around arranging our lives for us. Her boyfriend was besotted enough with her to allow her to do the porn and then naively to agree to let me share her with him. Well he was totally taken in by her but I wasn’t so I decided to cut all ties. This girl was psycho. All id wanted was her friendship but the way things were going it just wasn’t worth my sanity or effort.

Years later Cindy’s guy emailed me saying he’d split up with her. I don’t remember the reason he gave. I did my best not to pay any attention and in all honesty I didn’t trust it wasn’t her pretending to be him and see if id maybe run off with him or something equally as weird. She was the type to mess with people like that. If it wasn’t her all I could say was good for him.

I still see Cindys model ads up on modeling websites from time to time and wonder what other freeky shit she has dreamed up.

Women Trouble

As much as I enjoyed having Cindy as a friend it soon became apparent she wasn’t cut from the same cloth as me and cracks in our friendship started to show.
Initially shed been so keen to help me get work and vice versa and to do jobs together with me especially.

I started getting agents, photographers and producers calling me up asking questions about Cindy. At first I didn’t twig but one agent explained that she had cried off a shoot declaring she had gotten her period at the last minute.

Let me explain about porn and periods. Unless someone is producing a film or set of pictures to cater for the niche of period play or blood sports then sticking things like cocks or toys inside your bleeding vagina can be tricky aesthetically.

Some girls ask their family planning association to put them on contraception that ensures they never bleed. Some girls just don’t work when they are on. And some girls use a sponge.
Using toys or fucking with a hard long tampon inside u is rather dangerous so girls buy specially made sponges produced to allow women to continue to enjoy sex whilst they are menstruating. These sponges aren’t widely available so most girls buy cosmetic sponge from a chemist and cut it up. It’s not ideal and can cause thrush and bacterial vaginosis so some girls don’t like to use sponges. Plus not having a string like a tampon they can get lost.

The first time I used a sponge I specifically asked the girl I was working with not to insert the toys to far however in the height of passion things, instructions got forgotten. I ended up on the bathroom floor panicking id have to go to A&E to get the sponge removed but the girl responsible for pushing the sponge so deep calmed me down, told me to lay down, coated her fingers in lube and after a few seconds withdrew with the sponge between her fingers.

The next time wasn’t quite so graceful. I wasn’t as worried as I knew it would come out this time but I ended up on the floor with my legs in the air and a guy who I nick named dad using his speculum and two fork ends as giant tweezers to reach the sponge. Bloke’s fingers aren’t as slim and long as women’s.

So for the girls who just don’t work when they are on, they just don’t book any work for these weeks. Sounds easy right. Wrong. Any ladies out there reading this will know that probably 50% of women have irregular periods that just pop up when they feel like it so planning anything let alone this type of work around your period can be impossible.

Therefore when a girl like Cindy says she suddenly got her period it is completely plausible and is still one of the biggest excuses used for not going to work.
So was Cindy telling the truth or not.

Well since she claimed to me she had just come on the week before I though she must be telling porky pies. Maybe she had another good reason for not seeing the shoot through.
I asked her how the shoot went the next time I saw her. I was annoyed that id put her in touch with this agent and that agent was annoyed enough with Cindy’s unreliability to call me and ask me what I thought. It didn’t look good on me so I decided tricking Cindy wasn’t completely un justifiable in the circumstances.
Id got her the work and she in return threw it in my face.

She looked abit sheepish at first and then said that she’d had to go in and do some office temping that morning last minute. That how she paid her bills, office temping. The modelling was just a bonus to top up the wages.
I was livid that she was lying. I didn’t know if it was to me or my agent but she was lying.

I thought twice before putting her in contact with people from then on but Cindy got worse.

Friends or Foes

Going back to my time in the Dutch webcam house I made my first real friend in porn. Her name was Cindy and she was a pretty buxom girl from London. She told me she was fairly new to the business herself but she sounded like shed done a few more shoots than me so I looked to her for advice and help. Pretty much she took over from Jody but since she was new as well we and it was kind of like the blind leading the blind we became friends helping each other.

When I left the webcam house early I later heard she left 48 hours later. She said she agreed it was bad there but that she missed me. She went home to her boyfriend and mum who all lived in a council flat in north London. Her boyfriend knew about her career choice but she only worked up to a girl on girl level as they had set some rules which basically like many girls in the business whether there boyfriends know what they do or not feel that doing boy/girl shoots is cheating yet girl/girl or lesbian action is not. I suppose alot of guys would only dream about seeing their bird with another fit girl and this is why they agree as its abit of a fantasy for them. Or the girl can say “I wasn’t cheating on you. It was only another girl!” There is safety in lesbianism - apparently!

My man has quite a different view of this and he only likes to hear about shoots where I’m completely on my own. He doesn’t care if I’m with a man or woman. Unless I’m self loving it’s too much information for him to hear.

So Cindy and I would recommend each other for shoots. If they wanted a lesbo shoot wed say” I have the perfect model for you”. If we did solo shoots wed always suggest the photographer book each other next time. We started doing a webcam show in London which required two girls. We were scheduled to do one shift a week and always asked to be paired together. Wed meet up in town for a late lunch then get the tube to the studio. Her man would pick us up as by the time our show had finished the tubes has stopped running. He’d drop me home in south London then they would make their own way round London and home.

Wed meet up socially in between working together and chat on the phone a lot. Shed call and say she might have some work could she forward me the email and see what I think.
Id not had a friend like this since my school days and I liked it.

We went out together with her boyfriend on New Year’s Eve. He’d booked a lovely room in a nice hotel id never heard of near to the club and said I should come over to the room before hand for a few drinks and then we’d all get a cab to the club.

I felt abit odd about this. Abit like a gooseberry gate crashing this couples New Years Eve festivities. If they had said invite a friend of your own or that they were meeting other friends id have felt less invasive but they insisted and I like to socialise. I was new to living in London and still trying to get out and meet people.

It became apparent upon our arrival back at the hotel come the morning light why they were so keen to trap me and get me high as a kite and wonderfully drunk.

Too pretty for porn

When most people think of porno they think of tall thin Barbie looking girls with big hair and big tits that come around the corner 5 minutes before she does. This is a very typical American look.

You also have the jail bait girls. The young girls who are flat chested with a butter wouldn’t melt look about them. They are infact over 18 but the words “barely legal” and “teen” are used alot. Or “college” but never the term school as that insinuates they are underage. A big no no.

School uniforms are infact the most popular uniform for men but we try to pretend it’s not. It’s a very taboo subject. We know that dressing a 21 year old girl in a school uniform doesn’t mean a guy is a paedo but plenty would and no one wants to be tarnished with that brush. We don’t like to give the authorities any unnessacery ley way to pounce on us for being responsible for all the worlds’ woes.

The UKs gonzo/amateur market introduced a new breed of porn star. The girl next door. She looks very unsuspecting but still pretty in her own way. These girls though they might look like they would never consider taking a cock up the jacksey are infact ravenous nymphs. Fowl mouthed and willing to try anything.
We have many girl next door types in the UK. I’m one of them.

I had a stark realisation about looks in this business at a party once. I and a fellow xxx performer were invited to a birthday party for one of the live interactive TV stations. You know the ones. The girls are on the phones urging you to call in or text them.

I had previously appeared regularly on the first ever UK station to offer this kind of adult entertainment but this form of medium was now booming and several other channels had set up. Upon arrival at this stations party I was shocked to see droves of Barbie girls. Big hair, makeup applied with a shot gun and huge fake tits ahoy. Where had they all been hiding all this time? Apart from the odd stereo typical porn looking girl most of the girls id encountered looked very “normal”.

This is no problem for me but they were cliquier than the characters in Mean Girls. One or two of the girls knew me as they had been on the same sets as me and one of them even appeared alongside me – much to her disgust. Had I actually attempted to say “Hi” I’m sure she would have claimed not to remember the scene since she was with her bitch girl friends.
As me and my fellow girl next door both headed down the stairs I heard some comment about girls not being able to afford boob jobs proffered from one of the Barbies mouths. I asked my girlfriend if she’d heard that? We were both then flat chested and later to be pumped up to match these girls’ assets.

I wanted to go back and give this ignorant, arrogant girl a piece of my mind. How dare she think I couldn’t afford a boob job? I suppose she didn’t consider that some girls don’t want them. At the time I had turned my hand to producing and not just staring in movies and with the money I had made from shagging myself senseless id built up a very successful movie line. More about that later but this bitch didn’t know me from Adam. She assumed I was poor but the reality was I could have been a potential employer of hers and stared her in one of my own productions. I preferred at the time to re invest my earnings on making more porn rather than pumping up my chest to get more work.

Its then that I had the realisation that these girls are too pretty for porn. Most of the Barbies in the room didn’t do hardcore porn. Instead they did teasy TV shows and glamour shoots. At the most they might take their frilly panties off and use an oh so small vibe on their untouched virgin pussies.

They wouldn’t dare offer to shag a guy for work as their good looks alone would surely get them all the work they desired. There was no need to lower themselves to do that. They were the glamour girls and most had exactly zero personality to go with it.
At the time I was livid and detested these girls for their attitudes. I’d never encountered snobbery in porn. It’s friggin porn for crying out loud. Id later learn that there is alot of snobbish behaviour in this business. How odd!

I got the last laugh though as over the years I watched these girls either dwindle into nothingness or turn to hardcore porn once all the “nice” work dried up for them.

Myths Explained

Mainstream Porn is often incorrectly associated with child porn and paedophilia.
Just like the gay industry and the fetish world, child pornography is in no way in bed with the mainstream porn business. Unlike the gay and fetish industries that do on the rare occasion cross paths with us, the child porn one does not EVER!

Child pornography is by its definition a medium used for people to get off on just like fetish porn or gay porn or straight porn but that is where the similarities and associations end.

Despite already being thrown in the same pit as these evil people by the media, religious groups and members of the public, to which u might think, well there is no smoke without fire or you are already being tarnished with the same brush so you probably all do it just to live up to your already rubbished reputations, we actually feel as disgusted as these accusers do. We know people hate us anyway just for our seemingly immoral behaviour but we do have some morals. We are normal people and we get really offended by people who think we socialise and work alongside paedophiles.

In fact producers dealing in films that portray girls at too young an age usually find themselves being completely snubbed by the rest of the industry. School uniforms might actually be the consumer’s costume of choice but most producers refuse to supply this one demand.

And as for snuff movies, well I have to concede that these are a myth too.
I don’t deny they may happen but they certainly aren’t made by porn producers to cater to a demanding market. The porn industry actually realises they need talent for the business to work so killing them off isn’t exactly effective to productivity.

Snuff movies are the result of murderous nutters with a camcorder.

I remember making light of this phenomenon with a friend once when I first got into this crazy world. As I got out of his car and went to walk off I called back saying I was going to be filming one of those snuff films tomorrow. Then finished off by stating that if I enjoyed it I might ask to do another one.

Jokes aside it worked at reassuring him I wasn’t going to disappear anytime soon and that I work amongst usually civil people who know the difference between right and wrong.

Saved My Ass

Even though the Europeans are renowned for their fetish porn ranging from BDSM to bestiality and we are more known for our camp Benny Hill style efforts we do a fair bit of fetish film making here in the UK ourselves. Ok firstly I know the UK is in Europe but in porn they are considered two different territories.

Much like the gay film makers the fetish film makers are in there own separate clan and don’t tend to merge much with the mainstream pornographers. The variety of fetishes is to vast to mention but a lot of fetish “people” consider sex is nothing to do with their chosen fixation and so snub the dirty porno makers. They are rather snobby it must be said.

The point I’m trying to make here is that those people of the public that like to lump all porn makers into one big shady ses pit of scum don’t realise that the industry is very compartmentalised. The people that make extreme fetish porn don’t hang out with the people that make gay or vanilla porn. The people that make gay porn are very insular to the straight or fetish film industry. Rarely do any of these genres overlap.

But, again mainstream performers get cast in some of these fetish movies from time to time. Two particular fetishes that are very British based are spanking and WAM (wet and messy). That strict old fashioned discipline mixed with some repressed kink. The nice peachy white arse of some naughty English rose bent over a school master figure. Or the humiliation of getting gunged. Maybe for not getting a question right on a 1980’s Saturday morning kids TV show or maybe just for rebelling and having a jolly good food fight and messing ones spiffingly clean clothes up. We do as a nation have all the messy desserts that make WAM so possible.

I had a near escape with a hardcore spanking shoot early on in my career. Id only been in the business a few weeks and id had a few shoots but things had quietened down slightly. I was a little panicked that id quit my job and now I wasn’t going to get any more work being a porn slut. So when one of my agents called me up whilst knicker shopping and asked me if I’d do a spanking film I reluctantly agreed. I’m not at all into being spanked although I have no aversion to dishing it out. I realised I was going to be asked to do things I didn’t really enjoy in this job – isn’t everyone anyway? In some respects being a porn star is like being an actress. You pretend you like things or pretend you like them more than you actually do. So my monetary concerns and professional head told me to say yes to the job. In all honesty I really didn’t like the sound of it at all. I was warned I would be severely spanked and that it would be painful. No one ever lied to me about this fact. I handle pain well and even later when the producer – a somewhat well known character famed for his spanking movies and wealth – called me up to make sure I knew what I was letting myself in for. Id managed to convince myself id be ok and convinced him I’d be ok for the job in the process.

The next day I was just about getting ready to leave the house and make my way to the set when another agent of mine called up and asked what I was up to. I told him about the shoot and he rapidly started to explain to me the extent of spanking shoots. No one lied to me about what was going to happen they just preyed on my naivety. I didn’t know I would be beat until I bled. I didn’t know if I asked to stop I wouldn’t be paid. I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to sit down on the train on the way home. I dint know I would be too bruised to work for the next three weeks. Suddenly the £250 I was getting didn’t sound so worth it.

I didn’t want to let these people down after convincing them id do the job despite knowing I was going to regret going through with it.

My agent convinced me to come and sit with him in his office that afternoon. He said he’d pay my train fare there and buy me a drink in the pub, just so he would know that I wouldn’t go through with that damning shoot. Strange thing is that’s probably one of the nicest things anyone ever did for me in this business but that agent turned out to be a nasty piece of scum anyway. I just had to call the producer and say I wasn’t coming. My other agent who had got me the job wasn’t going to be pleased but they must have half known to expect it in reality.

The more weeks went by in the business the more girls I met and an amazing amount of them told me stories of going to work for the rich spank daddy. One had to sit on a rubber cushion on the way home. One had to cancel a shoot she had the following day as she was so black and blue. All put on a brave face and I imagine had been pre warned in the same half truth fashion as me.

The odd thing is no one ever ever slated the vicious sod doing this. A lot even became friends with him.

A Real Womans Touch

Isn’t being in transsexual or gay porn abit risky???
Well maybe but in my experience with Miss Thing I believe she is one of the safest performers I’ve ever had the good fortune to work with.
She insisted we both go out and get fresh tests a few days before the shoot and because this was above and beyond the norm she offered to pay for it as well. She even got a special test which can detect HIV in a shorter window period as a good will gesture. These tests aren’t typical in the UK. They sound fabulous but the realities are they can throw up false positives.
We sat and discussed health issues for a while before we began the shoot too.

So what’s it like being with a he/she?
I was excited but I didn’t really know why. Miss Thing was, like myself, only human after all.
Actually her professionalism scared me more than anything else. She was very serious about what she did and I think one of the most focused people I’ve ever worked for. Some shoots it’s just like a constant party on set which is fun and some are so over choreographed it’s no fun at all. Her determination and drive were inspiring though. She wasn’t just doing this for a giggle, this was her business.

So we got ready and the cameras started to roll. She confessed she was actually nervous of working with me which I found flattering but helped me relax.
She was more sensual than a guy or any girl’s id ever filmed with before. I suppose she really had to work to prove her femininity where as most girls get in front of a camera and get abit masculine thinking the braver they are the better. With Miss Thing I actually felt like I was with a woman.

Then came the unveiling of the penis and I got butterflies again. It’s not like I’d never seen or handled a cock for heaven’s sake but I think I did what I’m always complaining men do to me. I put her on a magical pedestal. I had imagined her to be some wondrous creature like a unicorn and her cock would have sparks flying out the end of it or something.

The reality was it was just a cock. So I engaged my brain and did what I usually do when presented with such a thing. I was probably a little more tender than usual as I felt that’s the way things were progressing. I’ve since seen some of Miss Things other films and she is used to getting the shit fucked out of her like any true hardcore performer will be so this turned out to be quite a different scene for everyone involved including the paying customers.
I soon forgot Miss Thing was part man and part woman. One minute id have a lovely pair of tits in my face and the next a lovely hard cock. If I shut my eyes it was like being a part of a three some with another man and woman.

We did some anal positions and again she showed her empathy for me as a female performer. Most guys in porn are used to shoving there well endowed cocks up a girl’s tight ass but few know what it feels like to receive one. Miss Thing obviously did and so she teased me to begin with and made sure I was comfy which was a refreshing change.

The only down side I found to the whole thing was at the end. I love all the screwing but to me the cum shot at the end is always the icing on the cake. No pun intended. It’s like a reward for a job well done. Its closure on the event.
Miss Thing went on to explain that the hormones she takes mean she doesn’t produce sperm only seminal fluid which is very clear and not visually ideal for films. Plus there isn’t so much of it. So I was abit disheartened to find that my favourite bit wasn’t going to be a mind blowing finale. I understood why though.

And with that she spunk all over my face!

When things aint what they seem

So now I’ve explained about two of the genres of pornography. Mainstream/generic porn and amateur/reality porn.

There are of course a whole host of other sub categories of porn film. All seem to stick to their own families rarely merging or seeking help from another.


There is the gay and transsexual market. Now although transsexual films can feature gay guys and of course trans gender people they also feature a lot of straight or bi girls. These girls are often but not all the time girls from the mainstream industry.

The gay market is big enough and bad enough to be self sufficient. Indeed in my experience the gay market was so unheard of or talked about in the UK scene I didn’t actually think any gay films were made in the UK until 2004 when I met my first gay adult movie producer at a sexual health conference.


These particular two families seem to look down their noses at each other. Mainly due to the stigma that AIDS is so high risk amongst gay men. The straight market thinks the gay one is dirty and disease ridden but the gay market – especially these days is more open to safe sex in its movies and so thinks of the straight market as the one who is dirty and unconcerned with disease.


Girls found to have worked in gay or transsexual movies are often shunned. I have heard many a porno chick say it’s a fantasy of hers. Porn people often develop some unusual fantasies and fetishes since normal sex becomes mundane when u do it day in and day out. Always looking for some other kink to rock your boat and make you feel like you did the first time you did it in front of a camera. Which is a sexual fantasy in itself isn’t it?


I was talking to a producer friend of mine one day who happened to mention that a model agent that he regularly used for his own films had a transsexual performer on its books. As I also happened to be on this agents books I called them up and asked them to tell this trans gender performer that I’d like to work with her. Turns out she makes her own movies here in the UK and in the USA. Eventually I got a call from Miss Thing and we did our first film together after initially meeting to make sure we both understood each other.


I was hesitant to meet as this is a rare occurrence in pro porn. Producers don’t have time to meet talent and chat over scripts and plot lines. Castings were rare but did on occasion happen. Most performers are simply cast on the fact that they look ok and haven’t been shot by that particular producer before. Or maybe just that they are free that particular day!


If someone asks to meet you pre shoot it’s usually a sign of someone up to no good. A wanna be producer or some porn fanatic trying to con you that they are a producer just to get to spend abit of time chatting and drinking coffee with you. You might ask why they bother going through this rigmarole when they can actually book a porn star through an escort agency and fuck her brains out if they really want but these types of guys actually get off on the facade. They are living out some sort of elaborate fantasy in which they want to play a part of more than just a fan or horny john.


These guys really are a nuisance as some girls are all too keen to work and will go along on the off chance Mr Time Waster is genuine. He just wants to know he can get her to do what he wants. It’s a power trip. Some just use it as an excuse to get to know you abit better. Which is quite stalker-ish really. Some think that all the girls sleep with the producers to get work and therefore if they pretend to be one they will get a free shag.


Anyway I think Miss Thing had just cause to ask to meet me. After all its not every day you get to play with a transsexual and girls are notorious for saying yes to things they don’t really understand and then at the last minute confessing they aren’t comfortable with it.


So I made my first transsexual porn debut.

Porn Genres

It appears everyone makes porn in their spare time these days. With digital this and digital that and the internet meaning booking a girl to perform or model for you is so simple.

The gonzo/amateur fashion set by icons such as Ben Dover where by making his professionally shot porn look like he was just some guy who went out and with the luck of the devil was able to pick up non professional models off the street who amazingly agreed to shoot a porno with this ugly old bastard that they have “never” met before. Reading that back if I was that girl id run to the nearest police station and report the pervert, so how comes so many of you guys believed it?

Do you really think ALL women are nymphos and throw that much caution to the wind with regard to our personal safety???

I remember shooting with a couple of hobbyists a long while ago and despite my attempts to let them in on the inside story, that it was all an elaborate set up, there was no changing their minds. One guy saying “well maybe some of them are but there was one that was real”. Idiot. It’s actually quite scary how some people believe porn and especially porn of this gonzo nature to be real.
Now the distinction between feature porn, or professional porn and gonzo/amateur porn.

In the UK we don’t shoot features. This is a very US thing and basically is a film shot the same way a typical mainstream movie is. With a start a middle and an end. Not to mention a plot and characters.

We tend to shoot vinyets here in the UK. A film made up of four or five separate little stories. Sometimes they all tie in together in a theme but we don’t do features.

Both these styles are shot with high quality production values and in a 3rd person perspective so the end result is the viewer is observing the film from an outside point of view.

These types of films are expensive to make and you’re more likely to find some twat claiming “it’s not porn its art.” Arty porn is known as erotica.

Now what we do well and in abundance here in the UK is gonzo and amateur porn. More modernly known as reality porn or POV (point of view).

Much like the Ben Dover synopsis I gave earlier amateur porn is about real life. No makeup artists, no dressed sets, no acting and no gloss. Except it’s not really real because no porn is real. Its fake real. We like making amateur reality porn here because it’s cheap to do and being British we do the camp, tongue in cheek thing well. The Europeans are to kinky for this and the Americans are too serious.

Gonzo is not a character in the Muppets, well he is but in adult films it’s a style of shooting. Rather than shooting the action in flat 3rd person perspective the cameraman is a part of the action too. This gives an interactive feel or a 1st person perspective. It’s a genius idea really. It works on so many levels from giving the film a grittier more real yet slightly unbelievable feel, to one that encompasses the viewer to feel he is part of the film as well.
These days gonzo has been re branded as POV.

It’s this amateur and gonzo work that has gotten so many guys thinking “I can do that. I can pick up my little consumer camcorder and book a porn star and fuck her and then I’ve made my own porn film”. Why watch it when you can make it yourself. Everything is interactive these days so why not porn.

It’s this appeal that is starting to jump up and bite the professional film world in the ass as people would rather watch something genuinely amateur or DIY. The makers of porn are dying as people realise they don’t need them anymore.
Porn will never die out completely but there isn’t such a need for an industry to provide consumer demand. It’s meant the industry here in the UK is on very rocky road at the moment.

Rose Tinted Glasses

So I’d been for my first sexual health screen that was necessary for me to work within the industry.

The only trouble was that even though all my test results were returned two weeks later as negative the NHS clinic I visited wouldn’t give me the HIV certificate I needed to be able to do unprotected sex scenes.
Initially id been directed to this fancy private clinic in central London for my test but I couldn’t see what they did that any government clinic couldn’t to justify the £150 fee.

I now had no choice but to part with my cash to ensure I got my ticket to work.
I had to go through all the tests again. Not that I minded. They were a little uncomfortable and I’ve never been a fan of needles but I didn’t have the worry of the unknown this time as I already knew my results.

That anxiety would return in three months time when I had to update my certificate and go through the whole process again. Infact it probably took me a whole year of having these tests before the panic and paranoia became completely absent from my mind during these health checkups. Either that or I had effectively managed to train myself not to think about it. You’re so confident your OK but you can’t help thinking if you’re sitting in this clinics waiting room it must be for a good reason and you know exactly what that reason is. You’ve been shagging people without using condoms for the last three months with your fingers so tightly crossed that they have the same level of respect for you that you have for them. They have the same piece of paper saying they’re free from a list of specific diseases as you but accidents can always happen.

I was in my young teens when the AIDS message was being promoted. It had been discovered about 5 years earlier.
I remember watching some US event on MTV that was aimed at young people and using dance music to get the message across. I was only about 12 or 13 but this fatal virus scared the hell out of me despite me naively still thinking this could never happen to me.

I was now, nearly ten years later, in the same group as intravenous drug users and gay men. People who pay for sex or are paid to have sex are in the high risk category. The fact that we get regular HIV and STD tests is just damage limitation and we as a group of people usually chose to turn a blind eye and lock it up safely in the back of our minds. Is it any wonder we become alcoholics and drug users?

Had I really thought about what I was doing or had the insight I now have I probably wouldn’t have ever agreed to have unprotected sex for a living. All the people around me were doing it and explaining that as long as I got these tests done everything would be ok. They were romanticising the whole thing and portraying things through rose tinted glasses. I don’t feel angry at them though. They’ve spent so long numbing themselves to the dangers they were just trying to reinforce this in their own minds by trying to fool me too. If I bought it that would suppress any surfacing worries they had. A bit like how an alcoholic sometimes goes and sits in the park with the winos in a last bid attempt to try and convince himself he doesn’t have a problem. He just likes a drink. The winos are the real alcoholics.

A Career Choice or Hobby?

When I first set my mind on taking my clothes off for a) some fun and b) some extra pocket money I didn’t even think about porn. The association between topless modelling and full on porno hadn’t clicked. I don’t think I even realised they made porn in the United Kingdom.
Well let me explain a few basic elements of the porn business.

It’s a very close knit community really. I once tallied up how many producers there were within the UK and including all the semi pro ones (of which there are a lot and the numbers are growing, but I will explain what semi pro means later) there were about 50. Which is surprisingly a lot. But when you understand that about 95% of all UK production studios are mostly one man bands where the producer is the director and sound guy, lighting, script writer (if there is a script) and sometimes the make up artist too which could be worrying you can see that this isn’t such an impressive figure. It’s just simply 50 men and rarely women.
The performers are a similar story. There are probably no more than 50 full time actors and actresses in the business at one time but all the amateur ones could easily take this figure into the thousands.

So I better explain what all this professional and amateur jargon is about. Quite simply like any sports person there are people who do porn full time and this is their main form of income. It’s their full time job and chosen vocation. Not for long mind you as most girls typically disappear after 18 months. Usually when they move on with their lives, get boyfriends and float back to reality. Guys, if they are talented, can stay for decades though.

So an amateur performer is someone who might just do it for fun, as a second income or on a part time basis. Adventurous couples (and singles) tend to be amateurs as they just love sex and don’t mind doing the odd film sometimes even for free as it adds abit of spice to there already entertaining sex life. Believe it or not most pro porn starlets aren’t really that into sex. They might be abit hornier than your average girl but doing it all day everyday takes its toll and it soon becomes just a job and the sex losses its appeal.

You get the pro/am distinction in film and image production as well. The same rules apply. If it’s being made for a profit or for sale then it’s a professional shoot. If someone is just doing it for fun or as a hobby then they are what we call an amateur. These amateurs are stereotypically older guys who purely enjoy taking naughty pictures of sexy young girls. And who can blame them? I always enjoy doing amateur photography shoots. They aren’t always old guys and some have more talent than the pros. The fact you’re not working to make a finished product that HAS to be good enough to make someone a profit or even an income means amateur shoots are far more relaxed and usually quite good fun. Any guy who has the guts to book a girl to strip off and spread em just so he can pursue his unusual hobby is OK in my books. Amateur “ togs” (that’s jargon talk for photographers) are a hole other story though.

Then you get the semi pro guys. Now this semi pro thing is a fairly new development in the business and although the amateur guys don’t get upset – why would they, they are only in it for their own leisure and pleasure, the pro guys get rather irked by these semi pros.
Semi pro status is when you are making porn for an income but it’s not your main job. You might be an accountant but do porn on the side. It’s not your only form of income. And this is really the most sensible approach to take when getting into adult film or photography. Despite the general view of the public that blue movie makers are all filthy rich this is a myth. Most of them are flat broke investing more into what they do than what they actually make.

I always say don’t get into porn to make a million cos you will surely lose a million trying.
Possibly this hatred towards the semi pros is because they have actually had the savvy to see that the business isn’t as lucrative as people initially and misguidedly think. Maybe its jealousy that the pros have taken more risks by putting all their eggs in one large and sexy basket but the semi pros stand to make just as much in the long run. The semis get the best of both worlds while the pros struggle. I can count the rich professional get ups on one hand – actually half a hand because several of them had money to start with.

I want to take the time to explain about other distinctions too. About the gay V. straight business, the fetish V. vanilla or mainstream market and also about dirty and mythical associations the business has such as with child porn and paedophiles.

The Not So Glamourous Side of Porn

Going to the GU clinic (Genito urinary) wasn’t like popping into your GP and emerging 5 mins later with a prescription. Not that I hoped I needed a prescription o this particular visit.


When I was first called I saw the Dr but this was just the beginning of a rather long process of being passed from pillar to post.
This initial one to one was just a consultation of sorts to see why I was there and what they could do for me today thank you.



I didn’t mention what I did for a living as I thought they might send me packing and suggest they had people with real needs to be attending to. I simply said I needed to have a full test for work. I’ve heard storeys of some catering jobs requiring HIV certificates before they will employ you. I’m sure this practice is fictitious but maybe I could use this as my cover. That or that I was emigrating to Russia. Id also read that when applying for a visa to move to Russia you needed a HIV certificate as part of the application process.


Any how they didn’t probe me – no pun intended.


To me getting the piece of paper saying I was HIV negative was the only thing I cared about. That was the killer and that was what I was concerned about. As long as no one had HIV I didn’t mind taking other risks too much. All the other diseases were treatable or at least wouldn’t kill you.
I would later learn about Hepatitis and get my A and B vaccinations.


It sounds crazy now to say I didn’t really care about catching things like Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. Of course I did but I was blinded by other more pressing concerns then like making sure I didn’t get HIV. At the time this attitude probably helped me rationalise things but in hindsight it may be stopped me thinking about the risks I really was taking entering this business. It was unsafe sex after all.


I was asked to sit back out in the waiting room where the nurse would call me and take me to do all my tests.


Another age later I was called again and a young and friendly nurse – not in a classic nurse uniform or any uniform of any kind come to think of it, whisked me off to a cubicle for my swabs and bloods.
She began by taking blood. Just before she was about to stab me up she asked if I knew what she was taking the blood for. I shrugged and guessed HIV as id had a screen before but they were all vaginal swabs. As I didn’t have a HIV test the last time nor did they collect a blood sample, I put two and two together and thought I had four.
She said that no, infact this was for syphilis and that as I hadn’t specifically asked for a HIV test they weren’t doing that. I must have had a look on my face as she asked if I did want one of these to which I said yes please panicking a little that I was wasting my time being here.
She said that was fine but that I would need to see a health advisor for counselling first before they did the test.


This meant me hanging around for even longer after they had poked my private parts with large cotton buds and plastic sticks.
Wasn’t counselling something that you went to over a course of time? I didn’t have 3 months to spend sitting on a couch talking about my childhood before I got this certificate. I had boy/girl shoots to do!


I needn’t have worried. The health advisor just asked me some questions to gage my knowledge of HIV and AIDS and what risks id been exposed to. Had I injected drugs, had I had sex with any gay men or people of African or Caribbean decent? He explained how the test worked and that it would take two weeks to come back to me.


But what about all my sex scenes? I’d have to hope I didn’t get any booked in for the next two weeks until I could come back for my results and certificate.
It was at this point that the health advisor questioned me about the certificate saying that the hospital didn’t give them out unless it was for insurance purposes and that I would need letters from my insurers if that was the case. SHIT!


Well I was here now, id had most of the tests done bar the HIV one and I wanted to know I was free of any nasties so I carried on regardless and tried to think of another blag to get this piece of paper out of them.


I waited some more in the waiting area before being called for my blood sample for the HIV test. Then I was free to go. I had been there for four hours at this point. I was going stir crazy from the boredom of waiting and the massive reality check I was getting about maybe being at deaths door with some hideous sexually transmitted disease or infection. I was quietly scared but knew the chances of me having anything were slim. Id hardly had any sex since my last screen. Still it didn’t stop me being paranoid.

Nasties

For some reason when I agreed to do full on boy/girl films it didn’t enter my mind about the risks involved. I knew they didn’t use condoms in films but I seemed to sub consciously know that things like this were “dealt” with. I guess I just used common sense to realise that they couldn’t just simply expect people to have completely unsafe sex or the whole industry would be shut down for insighting manslaughter or unsafe practices or something like that. Porn isn’t illegal even though it is a grey area within the law. If it really was that unsafe it wouldn’t be allowed to exist.

Well I found out soon enough how the business of porn chose to “deal” with sexual health and sexually transmitted diseases.

I was called by one of the agencies id joined to say id been booked for a shoot in the north. It was a boy/girl shoot. They knew I was new and assumed rightly that I wouldn’t have had a sexual health test or certificate to prove I was clean and free of diseases. The clinic they recommended I go to for these tests, which was used by alot of porn people, was private and cost £150.

I’d been to the GU clinic before when a boyfriend cheated on me and Id decided that I should get checked out. Now that time I didn’t need a certificate but it was an NHS service which meant it was completely free. £150! Where was I going to get that type of money from? I had a credit card but I didn’t really want to start getting into debt trying to be a professional slut.

The agency said if I initially paid for the test the company booking me for the shoot would pay me back. This seemed fair.

However upon calling the private clinic it turned out they couldn’t fit me in at such short notice. Kind of a blessing really as I later found out from a girl I became good friends with that said company only shot solo girl or girl/girl content for their DVDs. The boy/girl was simply the owner booking girls for his own gratification. Said owner’s character was also in questionable disrepute and if the rumours were to be believed he had just been released from prison for making a film with a 14 year old girl. It’s OK, her dad was there too. I grimace at the thought.

I will talk more later about underage girls and paedophiles but don’t fret or get too excited yet as it’s all rather reassuringly decent.

So id missed out on my once in a life time opportunity to shoot with a real nonce. Boo hoo. I decided to get this health test and certificate done anyway as I was assured more offers of boy/girl work would follow shortly and I didn’t want to lose more money by not being prepared or equipt.

I booked into my local GU clinic figuring id go the cheaper option. What could a fancy clinic possibly provide that a government funded one couldn’t, apart from a faster service maybe.

I was right the NHS clinic although very nicely decorated and not at all seedy and ashamed looking took hours to screen me. I waited in the girl’s part of the waiting room. Men and women were screened separately as the tests obviously differ with the differences in anatomy. Like I said earlier I was no stranger to GU clinics and it made me feel better about what I was about to have done seeing a room full of normal looking people waiting with me. The stigma that the clap clinic is full of dirty old men in rain macs and skanky hoes really is not accurate. There were young people and women with young children, couples, people in business suites and even some OAPs. Yes apparently old people have nothing better to do than have sex. Quite how they get STIs I don’t know but good for them. I hope I’m still as horny when I’m wearing incontinence pants and forgetting my own kid’s names.

After what seemed to be an age of waiting I was finally called. By a number mind. Names weren’t used at this clinic to keep confidentiality measures strict.
Waiting to be told you might have a life threatening disease like HIV wasn’t easy. Having said that, bringing the heavy stuff to my attention meant that the simple stuff like Gonorrhea and Chlamydia were easy to deal with.

Arm Candy Syndrome

It’s funny, I think, that more often than not porn is perceived in the public eye as a male dominated business where the girls are objectified and exploited by all these powerful and demanding men.
The reality is that most of these supposedly masochistic men behind porn are nothing more than sad, lonely usually old men that have no confidence with women. They get themselves involved in an industry where pretty girls who (they feel) need rescuing are in abundance, taking advantage of a girl’s supposed vulnerability. After all you don’t need any qualifications to make porn and if you’re not staring in it what else would be your motivation? You might think money but you’d be barking up the wrong tree if you did, but more about that later.
Actually it’s usually the case that the girl wrongly or rightly sees these little arrangements as a shrewd business move thinking that this will give her access to unlimited work opportunities. It’s easy to see why these pairings happen but the women are usually on top in these instances. The girls use the guys and the guys let them in return for them playing the prestigious sugar daddy with a sexy, sexually confident female hanging on their arm and on every word they say.

I call this arm candy syndrome. Right at this particular moment in time I can’t think of one major UK porn producer who isn’t dating a porn starlet.

Strangely these men are very monogamous creatures not playing the field in a typically promiscuous business. But I suppose it’s such a close community that if they did that, they risk losing said arm candy who they genuinely do love dearly but also need as an important status accessory to play in the whose got the biggest balls game.
In some circumstances these porn moguls can be very jealous. Well I suppose I’ve already explained that they are lacking in self confidence so that shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise. They only like there arm candy to do lesbian porn once any sort of relationship is entered into or some prefer to pick the guys she is allowed to work with. Very few arm candy girls continue to maintain the same level of work they previously enjoyed prior to dating a producer.

Porn is all about fantasy which I have said before but the fantasy doesn’t always stop when the cameras do. It’s a bizarre world.

Men!

Why is it men moan about wearing condoms but then in the next breath will make do with wanking over a fully clothed girl demonstrating zero sexual acts on webcam cos they are too tight to part with a £1 to get her to take her clothes off and do a proper masturbation show for them.

One minute you can’t use your imagination to get over the fact the sensation in your cocks is slightly duller than would be from bareback sex but then when there is money involved you suddenly manage to demonstrate extraordinary talents for imagining a young lady naked with her legs spread to get you off.

For the Record

For the record I think it’s important to note I was not abused as a child nor raped as a young woman.
I didn’t have a drink or drug habit to feed upon entering the business.
What I can tell you is that being in porn movies and having sex for a living is a very empowering experience.

I can also tell you that the one thing all porn stars have in common, and this probably goes for the people producing porn as well, is that we all lavish attention in abundance.

Growing Some Thick Skin

Having had a near run in with a girl carrying scabies was not the end of my troubles in Amsterdam.

It was the turning point at which I realised things weren’t as rosy as I thought out there.

Id woken up to the idea that Jody wasn’t mine as I had once concocted in the depths of my naive brain. The reality was that Jody was a very free spirit and although she was happy to help me out she was in no way happy to hold my hand for very long. This also made me wake up to the fact that this business could be a very lonely one. Not really one of camaraderie. More one of floating soles finding their own way. It wasn’t the bitchy one id been warned of though.
Jody was very kind to me and through my disappointment she dealt with my clinginess gently. All the other girls in the webcam house were friendly enough. We argued but you would if you worked stupid hours and were permanently tired and had to share a room with 5 other girls. Each girl would enjoy a sisterly joke or moan or gossip with me but I knew at the same time if it came down to friendship or earnings the later would always win.

No one would argue if you suggested these girls weren’t the smartest pencil in the box. OK they aren’t rocket scientists or brain surgeons or academically intelligent but they were shrewd business women. Focused, committed and driven.

They would conduct their business mercilessly but make it an enjoyable experience in the process by making friends or having a giggle, getting plastered on cheap wine or whatever.

To some girls an enjoyable experience meant getting in and out of a shoot as quickly as possible so she could run off and get on with real life. Boyfriends, girl friends, other jobs or even kids. This porn thing was to take up as little of their time and life as possible and prove a mear distraction rather than a job.

I was impressed and taken aback at the same time. I suddenly grew alot of respect for porn girls and realised there is a certain survival instinct that they possess. I was going to have to toughen up here. I was without doubt a very driven and independent woman but could I compare to these girls. They were so “street” to what I felt was a sheltered and fortunate me.

Well I hadn’t just walked away from the best job Id ever had, the job that other girls went to university to get, to give up on this so quickly. Besides I enjoyed the work and if I could just get my head around the subconscious walls I was going to have to build up around myself id be fine.

In later years I experienced some of the closest female relationships I’ve ever had with girls in this industry, and in a rare period I built up friendships with a group of girls where our relationships superseded our commitment to our jobs and profits. But as I say that was rare and still is unheard of for such a group to bond in such a way.

The Strange Girl

Id sussed out from watching Georgia what it was all about. Teasing, typing very fast and being very shrewd. If you wanted to earn money doing this you had to be all of the above. Apparently just getting my bits out wasn’t going to cut it here so I had seriously misjudged that. That’s ok though. I’m not stupid. I’m bright. I can do all that I thought. And if these girls can do it then I definitly can.

Rather big headedly I thought the rest of the girls were a little stupid. I’m not usually so stereotypically judgemental of people but they hadn’t just given up sought after jobs that usually go to university graduates yet id never even been to college!

So myself and Jody headed off to the bathroom to get showered and ready for our shifts in the cam house.The girl who had flown over and arrived with me was already there too. Doing what we did for a living no one minded sharing the bathroom. Not an eyelid was batted.

It was a big bathroom – presumably they had intended it to be used for big orgy’s at some point. I chatted to Jody as I showered and noticed her giving me a funny look as she nodded discreetly towards the other girl. I looked over and she was shaving her legs but blood was pouring down them. Jody asked if she was ok and she said yes, she was just abit shaky with a razor. She had a very strange demeanour which on reflection I now realise was probably autism or some other mental condition. She was defiantly odd and awkward looking.

One morning she had gotten up to get ready for her shift and in the dim light of the room spent ten noisy minutes trying to unlock her locker. She simply couldn’t see the hole for her key to slot into and the rest of us all too tiered and irritable from long night shifts and lack of sleep just ignored her or shouted at her to be quiet.

We later worked out that this girl who wore glasses from time to time was actually blind as a bat. We put all the evidence together that all these odd things were happening when she didn’t have her glasses on. Apparently she was trying to avoid wearing them to make her look more sexy. This also explained why her makeup looked as if it had been applied in the dark. To her it had been! Jody and Georgia sat her down one day and did her make up nicely and showed her how to make her thick rimmed glasses look sexy. We all told her she had to wear them or she was going to do herself a real mischief.

So the days went by and this strange girl seemed to become a little less strange but still as awkward. She never got involved in any girly chat or wanted to join us when we were off duty and just doing our own thing. Going into town to shop or gassing quietly in the lounge so the microphones wouldn’t pick up on the conversations we wanted to remain private from the guys paying to watch the voyeur feeds. It was all too easy to ask “so where are you from?” to another girl and to be given a dirty look in reply because you’d forgotten about the damn microphones all over the house. We worked out that the only safe room was the bedroom that was being decorated so we tended to congregate there until the management worked out what we were doing and would come down from their office and move us on like naughty school girls loitering in the school halls.

Infact the only time I ever really saw this girl was in the bedroom.

On one of my last days I was standing just outside the front door chatting to someone when I saw two guys that worked as staff in the house carrying a double mattress out the door and lob it into a nearby skip. That’s strange I though. Looks like my mattress!

Then Diva, the lady who owned this whole get up called me into the office and asked me to sit down. She said that this odd girl was being flown back to England. We'd all noticed she would itch herself alot and put it down to eczema. Apparently Diva had noticed it more and asked her to see the Dr who had diagnosed scabies.

Shit! I shared a bed with this girl.

That was our mattress they had thrown out.

They actually planned to burn the thing. Diva asked me if I’d had any itching and I said no. She said if I had any, any at all I was to tell her and see the Dr too. I never did get any itching but that was the icing on the cake that told me it was time to go home.

Lucky?

Im fuckin lucky I only caught gonorrhea 3 times and chlamydia 6 times!

It Costs 20K To Be Me

You know being a porn star isn’t easy.

Yeah its fun having sex all day long – cos that’s exactly what we do! Oh sorry that’s escorts and prostitutes. We spend half the day hanging around on set or at the GU clinic.

I remember when I first started thinking seriously about quitting my normal job to become a full time slut. I did some math and predicted if I could do one gig a week that would give me the same money as my rat race job so the rest of the week was mine. I could study or be a lady of leisure or I could make even more money and do two jobs a week! Considering a shoot could be done and dusted in a matter of hours depending on the required result and how together the people in production were, that meant alot of free time. It also meant that if I worked my normal working week at the rate I was now being paid Id be making a six figure sum a year. Time is a blessing and these days it’s the only thing I ever ever ask for in life but back then I saw the opportunity to make some serious money so I pushed myself hard to get bookings and work. Why sit around learning stuff when I could probably pay someone to do it all for me in years to come. At the time I didn’t have any hobbies or real interests so why not put all my time into this. It’s not like it was physically that hard and it certainly wasn’t tedious. Well not then it wasn’t. Those moments came years down the road.

What to do? Sit around getting fat and watching Trisha on daytime TV or work my butt of and ensure a better future for myself? It was a no brainer. I’ve always been driven and lazy is not a term that anyone would ever use to describe me.
So I started earning all this money and really believed I was on my way to making millions. You’d be surprised how much it costs to be me though.

Trades people need tools and my tools were pretty much what every living breathing girl usually buys par for the course.
Make up, hair, sun beds, gym membership, clothes - yes I need clothes (before I strip them off that is).
Yes I also needed sex toys, stupidly high heels and monthly STD checkups sometimes at £200 a pop.
I also had to pay for marketing myself since I was on my money making mission. Work wasn’t just going to fall in my lap. I’m a creative person so I enjoy the marketing element of my job but it surprises people that models and porn girls do it at all. They obviously think we lay on our backs all day and that work does actually just fall in our laps but the reality is now I have to turn down jobs because they are an interruption to me updating my website or MySpace or online modelling profiles. Promotion probably counts for half of my time and actually making the money for the other half.

It costs me over 20K a year to be me. When I say me, I mean to be able to do my job. It’s kinda cool I get things like make up and shoes tax deductable but being a porn star doesn’t come cheaply so it’s a good job I planned to work hard at this.

Here’s a snippet of what it costs to be me each year. This is not an exhaustible list.
Telephone - £2073.
Clothing - £2933.
Hair- £1200.
Gym membership - £900.
Advertising - £853.

Frosty Reception

Jody was there but either the situation we were now in meant she became a different person or she’d decided I was big enough to look after myself now. Her hands were washed of me and my neediness.
Upon arriving at the large house in Holland I firstly found myself filing in a load of paperwork in a chicly styled large white office. This was the brain of the site and its operations. They needed to create a page for me to profile myself on and attract customers. I was told that guys could spend money on presents for me that they could buy through the site. Bottles of perfume, cuddly teddy bears that sort of thing. This was a treat for me and earnt the company extra dollars. Therefore they made sure that every girl entering the house had a birthday whilst she stayed ensuring the perfect reason to buy her gifts. This fake birthday was put up on my profile with my likes and dislikes, measurements and sexual preferences.

I was then taken with my bags to my bedroom. It turned out the top floor of the three story house was for the British girls and the second floor was for the Czech girls. Amazingly no Dutch girls ever stayed there. I suppose they made better money in the red light district of town. There were two bedrooms on our floor. A third was being re decorated. So a couple living in the house took the smaller double room and I bedded in a large room with 3 double beds and four other girls including the one who had arrived with me and Jody.

I didn’t mind sharing. I was actually looking forward to it. I thought it would be abit like having a girly sleepover or maybe like getting to experience boarding school dorms for a couple of weeks and then going back to the luxury of my single bed room back in south London.
I didn’t realise the girls all worked shifts and would be in and out the room all the time I was trying to sleep. Plus the Czech girls worked the day shifts and the UK girls worked the nights so they could entertain the yanks where the time difference came in to play. It was also pointless asking the Czech girls to do nights as they couldn’t understand any English so the horny American guys wouldn’t have been able to communicate with them. So I was thrown into a pattern of 8 hr night shifts and then trying to sleep in a room of five girls all getting up to start their shifts and turning hair dryers on and of f whilst I was trying to sleep. As you can imagine I didn’t sleep much and I became rather emotional. I’ve never been a night person and my few months of working until 2am at a bar once was bad enough.

The first thing I did when I arrived in my new room was ask one of the other girls where Jody was. “In town” she said. We were free to wonder off in our spare time and Jody had taken the ferry across the river into central Amsterdam. I couldn’t wait for her to get back. When she did however I became paranoid that she was avoiding me. Why wasn’t the first thing she wanted to do was to come and find me? I had to remember this was a big house and had about 30 people wondering around it at any one time. When I eventually found her she was hanging out with one of the other Brit girls and they both seemed very pally. They were nearer each other’s ages and turned out they did the same levels of work ie; they were only part timers and didn’t do or didn’t want to do boy girl work.

Jody seemed abit frosty with me and far more interested in this other girl.
I can’t pretend I wasn’t gutted and deflated but I decided to try and make friends with this other girl too.
I’d been asked to spend some time that day watching how the other girls did there shows since id never done anything like this before.
I intended to buddy up with Jody but Jody suggested I watch Georgia and then we could all sit and smoke weed and have a girly giggle whilst Georgia did her shift. That sounded ok except I didn’t smoke but I’d rather of had some time alone with Jody. Still this was better than nothing. Believe it or not, being in Amsterdam, we were banned from using drugs and drinking alcohol in the house apart from party night which happened every Friday night and we were allowed – no change that - we were plied with alcohol in the hope we’d get into a big lesbian orgy.

Jody being a big weed smoker loved the fact she was in Amsterdam and was always being found out for having a sneaky splif. That wasn’t going to stop her. She worked hard and knew they wouldn’t throw her out.

Jody had to go and get ready for her shift so she suggested we both go to the bathroom and get ready. I could then sit with her when she started her shift and be ready to start mine an hour later.

Web Cam - A New Generation Of Peep Show?

I remember going to watch a peep show in Soho about 10 years ago with my then boyfriend. I wasn’t interested in watching girls strip off and writhe around the place so I did it for the sake of doing something naughty instead. I was quite shy and nervous then but did it to prove I wasn’t a prude to my man.

Now as a regular web cam performer myself, it’s strange to think back to that time. I was embarrassed to watch the woman live in front of me. I kept looking away or anywhere but at her. I’d never seen a real life woman who wasn’t my mother get naked in front of me before. Id watched dodgy German 70s porn but that wasn’t the same. That wasn’t live or so...close up.

The little viewer wasn’t open for long anyway. 30 seconds tops. I don’t specifically remember what she did but it can’t have been much in 30 seconds.
I often complain when someone books me for just 5 minutes on a web cam. How can I do anything in just 5 minutes? Seriously you think it’s long enough to have a quick wank but it’s only just long enough to take your clothes of if you’re wearing something elaborate.

That girl in the peep show must have been laughing. 30 seconds! That’s about long enough for me to bend over and shake my ass at you.

I often walk past where that peep show was. I don’t know if it’s still going. I don’t know if peep shows even exists any more.

I always thought of web cam as a modern development but I guess it’s derived from an age old tradition. The good old peep show.
So in effect I’m that peep show girl ten years later. I wonder if people watch me and get all embarrassed like I did?
I wonder if she sat there and though “tight gits. Put some more money in and let me at least get my kit off”?

Big Sister

Jody became abit of a fixation in my head. She broke me into the industry and took my lesbian and anal flower. It’s no wonder I began to think I was in love with her. She was all I thought about for a few weeks. She was so sweet and helpful, kind of like a big sister to me. Could I be a closet lesbian?

I saw Jody one last time when I took a job performing on a webcam in Amsterdam. I was told id make £2000 for a fortnights work. I was actually worried about going for so long but was told if I went it had to be for 14 days. Certain people still didn’t know about my career change and might start to wonder where I’d gotten to for two weeks.

But £2000!!! That’s nearly double what I earnt some months in my old job.
All I had to do was masturbate on a webcam whilst talking dirty to the guys watching in a chat room linked to my webcam. There would be a whole load of other girls from the UK there too so I wouldn’t be alone.
I’d been told id work an 8 hour shift on my webcam and that the rest of the day was mine.

Yeah! Mine and everyone else’s who was watching me on the live voyeur cam feeds going about my business. The place where we did these cam shows was also where we lived for the two weeks. It was what is known as a voyeur house. Just like Big Brother where there are cameras everywhere watching you. It hadn’t really occurred to me that because of all these cameras I would actually be working 24 hours a day. Even when I was asleep id be working!

I tried to forget about the cameras in the toilets and It didn’t really bother me that there were cameras everywhere else to be honest. What swayed me into going ultimately though was the knowledge that Jody was already out there and if I got the next flight I could be there with her.

I arrived in Amsterdam with a girl booked from another UK agency and was welcomed into Holland with a freak heat wave. A Dutch guy who was staff at the voyeur house met us at the airport and drove us to our new home for the next two weeks.
I looked forward to seeing Jody again and any nerves went away when I knew that she would be there to yet again show me the ropes and take care of me.

Unfortunately when I arrived “my” Jody wasn’t there.

Porn Shoes

Firstly let me apologise for my recent disappearence. No i had not been shagged to death, it was purely the twits who host this blog allowing a 'robot' peg mark it as spam.

Anyway Im back on air now.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on porn shoes.
Stripper heels, platforms, spike heels, glass heels... call em what you like.
I called them tranny shoes. The only person id ever seen wear them was Ru Paul so I thought they were some part of a trannies wardrobe get up.
I’d never seen them in porn flicks before. Probably due to the fact I had only watched dated porn. Porn shoes were yet to be invented.
I remember seeing lots of different styles for sale in a street market in Bangkok on a trip to Thailand once and this just reaffirmed for me that trannies (and lady boys) wore them. I actually wanted to buy a pair. Something was drawing me to them. I stopped myself saying “What the heck for? Where would I wear them?” I wasn’t a porn star then.
I later realised strippers and adult models wore them when I saw every single girl in a copy of my house mates Playboy wearing them. I thought they looked sexy but kinda mad. Sort of like Barbie meets glam rock.
Now I have more pairs of porn shoes than I do normal heels. I have classic ones (if there is such a thing), silver ones, marabou ones, leg tie ones and even boots too. I have every colour possible. It has been known for me to turn up on set with one case for my clothes and another for my shoes. I pack a pair of shoes for each outfit I take. In fact I pick an outfit to go with the shoes usually.
I still have my first pair that I remember going out to buy after my first few shoots in some trash shop on Oxford Street. I wanted porn shoes like all the other girls so I got some classic strappy, black, clear plastic platform/heel ones. They look abit tatty now but they have been through everything with me so I daren’t replace them.
My favourite ones I call my Barbie shoes. My first ever Barbie doll had shoes just like these.
People say “How the hell do you totter around in those things?” and then I explain how they are actually dancers shoes (table and pole dancers that is) and that walking and standing around in them is a doddle compared to what those girls do in them.
It’s strange though, I can’t wear normal high heels for very long without suffering but these beauties I can wear for hours quite comfortably. Why is that? I once wore them out to a night club and didn’t moan once about my feet aching. I even hobbled down a cobbled street in them without falling over.
Note: it is NEVER acceptable to wear porn shoes except in porn. I was going out on a limb when I wore mine out and was with a bunch of 10 or so other models. Do not think like the poor girl I saw wearing them in Wimbledon shopping centre one Saturday afternoon that they are for normal people.
JUST DONT!

The journey begins

So going back to my first skin flick in which I encountered a lot of new experiences, the young girl who took my porn/lesbian cherry was in fact four years younger than me. It was strange surrendering myself to a minor (minor to me, she was still 18) for I had previously been either in charge of a large number of youngsters or the baby of the group. This was unusual for me.

As it turned out Jody was also to be my partner on my next shoot. This was another lesbian scene and only a few days later. We had been advised to travel down the night before the shoot. This is quite common especially if the producer has been badly stung by models no showing before. We aren’t paid by the hour so by ensuring models arrive ridiculously early they can effectively give themselves enough time to run a plan B should we not turn up. Call in another girl or revise the script, and by script I don’t mean words. There are no words in porn aside oh and ah.

So I turned up at Paddington station on time as usual and Jody again turned up late with about minus one second to board the train which was the last of the day. We talked on the journey and she told me about the male “studs” of the industry. She explained that she had only done one boy/girl shoot and it sounded like she had had her arm twisted to do it. She only wanted to do girl/girl jobs but her exception would be if she could work with the guy she showed me in a picture. He was a little too good looking and pumped up and apparently had a massive cock which was the only reason she would do another boy/girl scene. I listened intently after all I might be doing my first boy/girl film soon and a heads up on that wouldn’t go amiss. I’ve always been an enthusiastic learner. Eyes wide open and ears to the ground, always trying to pick up on any tit bit of knowledge that may someday help me out. Like a sponge soaking up every drop of information I can draw into me.

Jody shared her headphones with me and let me listen to Mariah Carey with her. She told me in her strong jordy accent to listen to the words on Honey, of which id never translated the sexual innuendo before. It’s strange I could understand Jody’s accent face to face but later when she called me on the phone I couldn’t make out one single word of her northern Newcastle accent and in my fondness of her didn’t have the heart to say, so just threw in the occasional “yes” or “no” when I thought it the right time.

We awoke the next morning and I jumped to it showering and getting myself prepared for the scene. It was to be a three girl scene. At breakfast I made Jody write down a list of contacts for me. I was eager now id made the decision to fuck for a living to make as much money from it as I could. With only a few days to my name in this business, my first ever self employed position, I already instinctively knew one of the biggest keys to success and that was to never assume work would come to me. You have to put yourself out there. People are lazy or busy. You have to put yourself in front of them or in the forefront of their mind.

Despite Jody’s consistent tardiness she had a marvellous memory and remembered all these people’s phone numbers and emails off the top of her head. Jody liked to smoke dope a lot too and that made it even more spectacular to witness her writing this little list of photographers and modelling websites.

So now I had a starting point. That little list took me on a very long journey and I don’t think that even half of the six or so names on the list ever booked me.