Taking My A Levels

Id finished my first boy/girl sex scene and was relieved it was finally over. I now knew what I could expect in future. It hadn’t been at all as harrowing as id thought and I was left feeling silly for being so nervous in the first place. I thought I’d done well and the director/producer verified this with compliments to that effect.

I was getting changed when Carmen came over and asked if id stay on to do an boy/girl scene with A levels later today as id done so well. Ah, so A levels as people kept referring to was anal. The penny dropped for me. Id been thinking it was strange how they expected so many girls to be so educted for such an unskilled role. Initially I was told this would be with Oliver again but just me and him this time. I was elated with the fact id gotten through the first momentous scene in my career and thought I was on a roll so agreed. I was feeling invincible and on a natural high. I explained it would be my first anal with a guy on film and in all truth would probably be the first real anal sex id experience in my life. Id tried anal sex with an old boyfriend but it was too painful. I don’t think he’d even gotten himself fully inside of me but I knew if I agreed to this now it would be the real deal.

At the time I thought Carmen was genuine about being impressed with me and I was flattered into working again but the reality was that some other girl had most likely let them down and since I was there and fresh meat I would do as a replacement.

The afternoon dragged on and I still hadn’t eaten properly. There was one more scene to shoot after my threesome and then I’d do my anal scene with Oliver. Oliver was obviously bored waiting around too but his idea to fill himself up with cocaine had a knock on effect and soon he made excuses saying he had a cold and felt ill and was going home. What he really meant was he’d over indulged and wouldn’t be able to get a hard on. For a moment I thought that meant the scene was off and if I’d been nervous this morning before my first scene I was about to get the fright of my life. Oliver’s fill in would be the director/producer who was also a famed performer as many producer/director/actors in the industry often were. I suppose it’s a cost effective way to work as they are skilled to do two or three of the jobs required to make a porno, many choosing to do both or all at the same time since the trend for gonzo and amateur porn evolved. Remember I called them one man bands?! But it’s one less pay cheque at the end of the day. It also ensures they get as much work as they want and don’t have to rely on other firms booking them.

My horror came from knowing this particular guys reputation. He was famed for having the biggest penis in British porn at the time. I’d never seen it but id been told numerous times about it. Apparently it was about 14 inches long.

I tried to get myself out of this fast by saying I didn’t think I would be able to take such a big guy my first time. Now I really had reason to be scared and nervous and would do anything to not have to go through with it. I didn’t want to let them down but I also didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could end up hurt. Even in those early days where I still had one hell of alot of learning to do about my body and its limits I knew this was a bad move.

One of the girls who worked closely with this guy, whose name was Big Dave, said she had some numbing cream in her bag and that I could use that. I was supposed to put it on my anus and I wouldn’t be able to feel if it hurt. The down and dangerous side of numbing cream or anything with Benzocaine in it is that you can do yourself alot of mischief if you use it. Nature’s way of telling you you are about to damage yourself is to cause you to feel pain but if you don’t have that warning signal you end up with a torn ass hole in my case.

Big Dave did something then that I will always remember and be grateful for. At the time I thought he was just being an arse but he insisted I didn’t use the cream saying it could make things worse. I was starting to really panic now and felt sick and hysterical. I think he could see this. He promised me that if it hurt we could use the cream but insisted we tried it without first. He calmed me down and said he would take his time and go slow. This is exactly what I needed to hear but unfortunately it would be one of the only times in porn that anyone showed me some respect and compassion. This is why I remember it so vividly. I always described Big Dave as a gentleman after this to anyone who asked about my experiences with him.

Psychology lesson from a porn star

I often ponder why I ended up being in porn amongst other things. I over analyse situations involving myself and when my life is boring I try to work other people and their situations out. Sometimes that’s easier than working out myself. I think I figure if I can answer the questions of “why” in my life and have some sort of clarity I will suddenly become eternally happy.
I’m a narcissistic borderline personality with a tendency for hypochondria and am happy to spend time with councillors, reading self help books or partaking in self help groups.

I was just reading through some old notes from one group I attended and it suddenly struck me that people in porn are all similar in a handful of characteristics. I worked out a long time ago all porn performers, glamour models and even porn producers are simply seeking attention. Yes they are probably looking for it in the wrong place but plenty of other human beings do equally as silly things in order to meet the same need.

Sigmund Freud noted the act of reaction formation. This is where people in short do the opposite of what they feel. So if for example I believed I didn’t need to be loved by anyone I might go out of my way to try and make myself as loved by as many people as possible. Maybe by becoming a porn star.

Displacement is another noted defence mechanism in human beings. If say the same person as I discussed above who feels they don’t need to be loved decided to sub consciously make people love them by simply going out each weekend to the local night club or bar and picking up a different sexual partner each time they might fear being labelled a gigolo or its female counterpart, a slag. If they became a porn star that would mean it was their job to be that way and the immorality of the situation ceases.

Of course you do sometimes get people who simply can’t get enough sex. They are sexually frustrated in real life and so use sublimination and take on the role of someone who can get as much sex as they want or need.
Or on the other hand people who are emotionally retarded or too scared to get emotionally intimate with another person might choose to intellectualise the situation. This involves removing oneself from the stressful situation (in this case of getting intimate or emotionally attached) and using rationality (hey, I’m a porn star I don’t have to love this person to fuck them – it’s my job) to avoid a distressing situation.

That’s enough psycho babble for today.

For the Record

For the record I think it’s important to note I was not abused as a child nor raped as a young woman.
I didn’t have a drink or drug habit to feed upon entering the business.
What I can tell you is that being in porn movies and having sex for a living is a very empowering experience.

I can also tell you that the one thing all porn stars have in common, and this probably goes for the people producing porn as well, is that we all lavish attention in abundance.