Time of my Life

A lot of people aren’t aware of all the energy and hard work that goes into being a porn actress or model. I’ll admit I didn’t either to begin with. Even I thought it was as simple as turning up to a job, doing the job and then coming home to enjoy spending the money id just made. Think about traditional models and the rep they get as clueless, talentless beings. How many people have you heard utter the words ‘Modelling...how hard can it be?’

I had this little vision when I started out and it went something like this. I could make as much money doing one single shoot as it took me a week to earn in my old job. Instead of working 40 hours a week I now only needed to work between 2 and 4 hrs. The rest of the week was mine to do as I wished. I could study to do something interesting or be a lazy couch potato eating crisps and watching Trisha on TV. If I did more than one shoot a week id be on even more money so I could spend my time shopping for nice things. Bliss!

Ah life would have been so simple if that fantasy had been true. I’m not the type to sit around being passive and since so much work was being offered to me I simply accepted it and found myself working most days.

The logistics of being a porn star are very different to how one outside the business might believe they are. I get fan mail from people who genuinely think I sit around eating bon bons all day. Either that or being a nymphomaniac (in their minds anyway) I’m constantly having sex in some way shape or form. This fool’s paradise always makes me chuckle. I wish.

Obviously there is a lot of travelling involved in this line of work. Most of my shoots do take place in London which is where I call home but the rest, which still makes up a large volume, can be based all over the rest of the UK and indeed the world. Ok so spending hours on a train isn’t so stressful especially the way technology is today but it can mean very early starts and stupidly late finishes. Just see my last blog to see how long some days can be. In fact some producers have a call time for the day before or for full cast first thing in the morning. That way they can ensure that if anyone isn’t going to show up they have time to call in a replacement and limit the damage that can be created by a no show. They might ask you to travel down the evening before and put you up for the night or tell you to get to the set for 8am only for you to find yours is the last scene of the day at 10pm.

People get anxious and board hanging around so it’s no wonder drink and drugs are found on sets so often to alleviate both symptoms. I started smoking because of this. It would give me an excuse to pop outside and get some fresh air (yeah I know, ironic huh!?) and a change of scenery. It was a bonding mechanism too. A common ground I could share with people and made me feel I belonged.

Then as I mentioned in an earlier blog there is shopping for wardrobe. Ok, it’s still shopping but it’s kind of like shopping for work clothes. It’s not as much fun if any fun at all. It’s not really indulging the real you.

And also maintaining your look as a glamour girl. Fake tans and sunbeds, nails, hair. All this takes time and money. Staying fit and in shape is a must so going to the gym regularly is important. In all honesty more of the girls who just model at a more soft core range rather than the ones who act in movies will do this and take the up keep of their bodies seriously. Girls who mainly do films tend to spend more time boozing and getting high than working out. The latter tends to keep the weight off anyway but these two opposite ends of the wellbeing spectrum don’t mix well as you can probably imagine although I do know one girl who often went to the gym after a session in the bar. Personally I couldn’t have stayed upright on a tread mill for very long if I was wankered.

But all this maintenance is very time consuming. Most women enjoy going to the salon or nail bar. I just found it a damn inconvenience and an encroachment on my time.

Taking My A Levels

Id finished my first boy/girl sex scene and was relieved it was finally over. I now knew what I could expect in future. It hadn’t been at all as harrowing as id thought and I was left feeling silly for being so nervous in the first place. I thought I’d done well and the director/producer verified this with compliments to that effect.

I was getting changed when Carmen came over and asked if id stay on to do an boy/girl scene with A levels later today as id done so well. Ah, so A levels as people kept referring to was anal. The penny dropped for me. Id been thinking it was strange how they expected so many girls to be so educted for such an unskilled role. Initially I was told this would be with Oliver again but just me and him this time. I was elated with the fact id gotten through the first momentous scene in my career and thought I was on a roll so agreed. I was feeling invincible and on a natural high. I explained it would be my first anal with a guy on film and in all truth would probably be the first real anal sex id experience in my life. Id tried anal sex with an old boyfriend but it was too painful. I don’t think he’d even gotten himself fully inside of me but I knew if I agreed to this now it would be the real deal.

At the time I thought Carmen was genuine about being impressed with me and I was flattered into working again but the reality was that some other girl had most likely let them down and since I was there and fresh meat I would do as a replacement.

The afternoon dragged on and I still hadn’t eaten properly. There was one more scene to shoot after my threesome and then I’d do my anal scene with Oliver. Oliver was obviously bored waiting around too but his idea to fill himself up with cocaine had a knock on effect and soon he made excuses saying he had a cold and felt ill and was going home. What he really meant was he’d over indulged and wouldn’t be able to get a hard on. For a moment I thought that meant the scene was off and if I’d been nervous this morning before my first scene I was about to get the fright of my life. Oliver’s fill in would be the director/producer who was also a famed performer as many producer/director/actors in the industry often were. I suppose it’s a cost effective way to work as they are skilled to do two or three of the jobs required to make a porno, many choosing to do both or all at the same time since the trend for gonzo and amateur porn evolved. Remember I called them one man bands?! But it’s one less pay cheque at the end of the day. It also ensures they get as much work as they want and don’t have to rely on other firms booking them.

My horror came from knowing this particular guys reputation. He was famed for having the biggest penis in British porn at the time. I’d never seen it but id been told numerous times about it. Apparently it was about 14 inches long.

I tried to get myself out of this fast by saying I didn’t think I would be able to take such a big guy my first time. Now I really had reason to be scared and nervous and would do anything to not have to go through with it. I didn’t want to let them down but I also didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could end up hurt. Even in those early days where I still had one hell of alot of learning to do about my body and its limits I knew this was a bad move.

One of the girls who worked closely with this guy, whose name was Big Dave, said she had some numbing cream in her bag and that I could use that. I was supposed to put it on my anus and I wouldn’t be able to feel if it hurt. The down and dangerous side of numbing cream or anything with Benzocaine in it is that you can do yourself alot of mischief if you use it. Nature’s way of telling you you are about to damage yourself is to cause you to feel pain but if you don’t have that warning signal you end up with a torn ass hole in my case.

Big Dave did something then that I will always remember and be grateful for. At the time I thought he was just being an arse but he insisted I didn’t use the cream saying it could make things worse. I was starting to really panic now and felt sick and hysterical. I think he could see this. He promised me that if it hurt we could use the cream but insisted we tried it without first. He calmed me down and said he would take his time and go slow. This is exactly what I needed to hear but unfortunately it would be one of the only times in porn that anyone showed me some respect and compassion. This is why I remember it so vividly. I always described Big Dave as a gentleman after this to anyone who asked about my experiences with him.

Rose Tinted Glasses

So I’d been for my first sexual health screen that was necessary for me to work within the industry.

The only trouble was that even though all my test results were returned two weeks later as negative the NHS clinic I visited wouldn’t give me the HIV certificate I needed to be able to do unprotected sex scenes.
Initially id been directed to this fancy private clinic in central London for my test but I couldn’t see what they did that any government clinic couldn’t to justify the £150 fee.

I now had no choice but to part with my cash to ensure I got my ticket to work.
I had to go through all the tests again. Not that I minded. They were a little uncomfortable and I’ve never been a fan of needles but I didn’t have the worry of the unknown this time as I already knew my results.

That anxiety would return in three months time when I had to update my certificate and go through the whole process again. Infact it probably took me a whole year of having these tests before the panic and paranoia became completely absent from my mind during these health checkups. Either that or I had effectively managed to train myself not to think about it. You’re so confident your OK but you can’t help thinking if you’re sitting in this clinics waiting room it must be for a good reason and you know exactly what that reason is. You’ve been shagging people without using condoms for the last three months with your fingers so tightly crossed that they have the same level of respect for you that you have for them. They have the same piece of paper saying they’re free from a list of specific diseases as you but accidents can always happen.

I was in my young teens when the AIDS message was being promoted. It had been discovered about 5 years earlier.
I remember watching some US event on MTV that was aimed at young people and using dance music to get the message across. I was only about 12 or 13 but this fatal virus scared the hell out of me despite me naively still thinking this could never happen to me.

I was now, nearly ten years later, in the same group as intravenous drug users and gay men. People who pay for sex or are paid to have sex are in the high risk category. The fact that we get regular HIV and STD tests is just damage limitation and we as a group of people usually chose to turn a blind eye and lock it up safely in the back of our minds. Is it any wonder we become alcoholics and drug users?

Had I really thought about what I was doing or had the insight I now have I probably wouldn’t have ever agreed to have unprotected sex for a living. All the people around me were doing it and explaining that as long as I got these tests done everything would be ok. They were romanticising the whole thing and portraying things through rose tinted glasses. I don’t feel angry at them though. They’ve spent so long numbing themselves to the dangers they were just trying to reinforce this in their own minds by trying to fool me too. If I bought it that would suppress any surfacing worries they had. A bit like how an alcoholic sometimes goes and sits in the park with the winos in a last bid attempt to try and convince himself he doesn’t have a problem. He just likes a drink. The winos are the real alcoholics.

For the Record

For the record I think it’s important to note I was not abused as a child nor raped as a young woman.
I didn’t have a drink or drug habit to feed upon entering the business.
What I can tell you is that being in porn movies and having sex for a living is a very empowering experience.

I can also tell you that the one thing all porn stars have in common, and this probably goes for the people producing porn as well, is that we all lavish attention in abundance.

Regulation sex

The law and porn don’t mix well. It’s legal. As far as I’m aware it’s always been legal to make porn it was just illegal to sell it until around 1998 when films classified as a restricted 18 certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (the BBFC) were allowed to be sold only in licensed sex shops. The same is true of law today. Fortunately that law was passed before the major onset of the internet so you can get all the porn you like unclassified and uncensored on line.

Ask the police or the government what the law is for pornography and chances are they will have to find you someone who knows – they won’t!

A simple rule to follow when making porn is this. Rape is illegal – so don’t film it (faked or otherwise), sex with minors is illegal – so don’t film it (faked or otherwise). The same rule applies to anything illegal. Guns, drugs, public indecency, the lot. Some producers have much trouble getting their heads round this condition of sale. It’s simple really. Just common sense.

For some reason it’s ok to include this stuff in a Hollywood block buster, because we all know it’s made up, but in porn the BBFC won’t allow anything “illegal” even though porn is most probably the most farfetched and fantastical genre of all films. Maybe these people in authority believe, and possibly rightly so, that once we reach a state of arousal we can’t differentiate between fact and fiction. If not then it’s just a blatant prejudice to makers and watchers of porn.

Ner ner ner ner ner you have fun filming sex all day but we are going to cap your fun by not allowing you to express yourselves creatively above just having sex. That’s it, all you can do is fuck and you can’t have anything else!