Taking My A Levels

Id finished my first boy/girl sex scene and was relieved it was finally over. I now knew what I could expect in future. It hadn’t been at all as harrowing as id thought and I was left feeling silly for being so nervous in the first place. I thought I’d done well and the director/producer verified this with compliments to that effect.

I was getting changed when Carmen came over and asked if id stay on to do an boy/girl scene with A levels later today as id done so well. Ah, so A levels as people kept referring to was anal. The penny dropped for me. Id been thinking it was strange how they expected so many girls to be so educted for such an unskilled role. Initially I was told this would be with Oliver again but just me and him this time. I was elated with the fact id gotten through the first momentous scene in my career and thought I was on a roll so agreed. I was feeling invincible and on a natural high. I explained it would be my first anal with a guy on film and in all truth would probably be the first real anal sex id experience in my life. Id tried anal sex with an old boyfriend but it was too painful. I don’t think he’d even gotten himself fully inside of me but I knew if I agreed to this now it would be the real deal.

At the time I thought Carmen was genuine about being impressed with me and I was flattered into working again but the reality was that some other girl had most likely let them down and since I was there and fresh meat I would do as a replacement.

The afternoon dragged on and I still hadn’t eaten properly. There was one more scene to shoot after my threesome and then I’d do my anal scene with Oliver. Oliver was obviously bored waiting around too but his idea to fill himself up with cocaine had a knock on effect and soon he made excuses saying he had a cold and felt ill and was going home. What he really meant was he’d over indulged and wouldn’t be able to get a hard on. For a moment I thought that meant the scene was off and if I’d been nervous this morning before my first scene I was about to get the fright of my life. Oliver’s fill in would be the director/producer who was also a famed performer as many producer/director/actors in the industry often were. I suppose it’s a cost effective way to work as they are skilled to do two or three of the jobs required to make a porno, many choosing to do both or all at the same time since the trend for gonzo and amateur porn evolved. Remember I called them one man bands?! But it’s one less pay cheque at the end of the day. It also ensures they get as much work as they want and don’t have to rely on other firms booking them.

My horror came from knowing this particular guys reputation. He was famed for having the biggest penis in British porn at the time. I’d never seen it but id been told numerous times about it. Apparently it was about 14 inches long.

I tried to get myself out of this fast by saying I didn’t think I would be able to take such a big guy my first time. Now I really had reason to be scared and nervous and would do anything to not have to go through with it. I didn’t want to let them down but I also didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could end up hurt. Even in those early days where I still had one hell of alot of learning to do about my body and its limits I knew this was a bad move.

One of the girls who worked closely with this guy, whose name was Big Dave, said she had some numbing cream in her bag and that I could use that. I was supposed to put it on my anus and I wouldn’t be able to feel if it hurt. The down and dangerous side of numbing cream or anything with Benzocaine in it is that you can do yourself alot of mischief if you use it. Nature’s way of telling you you are about to damage yourself is to cause you to feel pain but if you don’t have that warning signal you end up with a torn ass hole in my case.

Big Dave did something then that I will always remember and be grateful for. At the time I thought he was just being an arse but he insisted I didn’t use the cream saying it could make things worse. I was starting to really panic now and felt sick and hysterical. I think he could see this. He promised me that if it hurt we could use the cream but insisted we tried it without first. He calmed me down and said he would take his time and go slow. This is exactly what I needed to hear but unfortunately it would be one of the only times in porn that anyone showed me some respect and compassion. This is why I remember it so vividly. I always described Big Dave as a gentleman after this to anyone who asked about my experiences with him.

Easy Peasy

I’d been well and truly bedazzled by Carmen this time. Myself and Cheryl were matching and ready for action. The film was being shot in a night club in the Midlands whilst it was closed in the day. There were people milling around the club. Other actors and actresses that had been cast for other scenes being shot that day, the camera crew, staff from the club trying to do their own daily chores without getting in our way.

I picked up a porn mag laying on the pool table that had been transformed into Carmen’s make up table. It wasn’t a normal top shelf mag. This one had much more copy in it and no picture sets. The name of the magazine was AVN – Adult Video News. It was full of American films and performers but the director of the film I was in today had a small write up about one of his movies in there too. Other than that there was hardly anyone I knew or had heard of before. It was interesting to see how all the American girls looked and posed. The names of the films featured and the covers of the videos.

Two other girls who were equally as stupidly made up had gone in to shoot there lesbian scene before us despite me and Cheryl being the first out of hair and makeup. This was annoying as id been up so early and hadn’t really eaten anything. The fact Cheryl didn’t really talk to me meant I was sitting with nothing to do allowing my nerves to grow stronger and stronger. During this lull in activity Carmen asked Cheryl if she would take a £2000 over night escort booking. A guy had just called in on the phone. Apparently Cheryl escorted for Carmen a lot. The fact the pair of them had just walked in from the bathroom together and literally stood in front of me to have this conversation which was very woodenly acted out gives me reason to believe this was Carmen trying to get my attention and expecting me to have pound signs ker-chinging in my ears and eyes say that I’d do it.

I wasn’t at all interested in being a prostitute. I was an adult performer. I had nothing against girls who did do it but I was taken up with my new friend pornography. I remained silent and then Carmen pranced back over to her makeup nonchalantly asking if I’d ever considered escorting. I told her no but that id bear it in mind. A polite thanks but no thanks.

We were finally ready for our scene. We had to stand on two podiums on the dance floor and dance. Now I suddenly had something else to be petrified about other than this being my first time fucking a guy on film. I hated people watching me dance. It struck the fear of god into me so I blurted out that I can’t dance. The director didn’t care and said just do my best. I looked at Cheryl and she shrugged. As it turns out she was worse than me. The director shouted action and we started jigging about like two Christmas baubles on acid. I immediately felt better knowing Cheryl hated this as much as me. At least I wasn’t up there on my own.

Then Oliver the French performer enters for the scene. He strolls in all chic and French looking. Not particularly young or studdly looking. He reminded me of the French guy in Private Benjamin, the 80S film with Goldie Horn. He was older and more slimy looking than I thought a male porn stud would be. He didn’t smile and looked bored.

We moved on and got on with the action fairly quickly. All of about 30 seconds of girl on girl tit sucking and then Oliver joined in. He moved his head in between Cheryl’s legs and then stood up and yelled cut. I had no idea what was going on but he’d gone off and whispered in the director’s ear who had then whispered in Cheryl’s ear. I was getting abit paranoid in all honesty. Turns out Oliver thought she smelled unwell. Chances of Cheryl actually having BV or Thrush were high. They are in this business. Oliver didn’t want to take any chances and who knows it could have been something more serious so Cheryl’s vagina (and mouth to be on the safe side) was left out of the scene and she became abit of a spare part.

This freaked me for a second as I realised I wouldn’t be able to copy her any more but what actually happened was a god send. As I now had two people jumping all over me all I really could do was lay there and look like I was loving all the action. I couldn’t have moved for want of trying. I had hands and mouths all over me. Easy!

The penetrative sex was fine and I was more concerned with my knees on the rough surface of the podium than how big this guy’s cock was inside me. Cheryl was asked to use an old beer bottle on herself whilst Oliver took me from behind. I watched Cheryl and her bottle which I found quite entertaining in a non sexual way to the point I forgot I was being pounded myself. Well I wasn’t really being pounded, at least not like id learn I could be pounded in later years.

The Real Deal

My first official and professional boy/girl skin flick was certainly a momentous day to remember for me.

I had been cast in a two girl one guy scene. I found out on the day when I arrived at the location bright and far too early that the guy I was to be working with was a famous French porn star. The other girl was a young jail bait type. I kept hearing her name a lot so I assumed she was fairly popular and this made me aspire to work with her. I was quite excited about this scene really. I got to work with the legendary Cheryl Blows – well she was legendary in my naive head and I got to do my first proper sex scene with a man. I assumed Cheryl would be like Jody and take me under her wing. In fact id heard that Cheryl and Jody were quite pally and had work a lot together so I assumed Cheryl would be Jody mark two.

I was of course wrong. Cheryl had an attitude problem. Well that’s how I surmised it. In retrospect she didn’t, she just was a very private and aloof girl and didn’t involve herself with other people in the business. She was very young and so had a popular look and her personality or seeming lack of it made her appear even younger and almost shy.

Still I tried to make her like me and focused on the fact I still got to say I worked with her.

I was nervous it being my first full sex scene with an actual live penis. I kind of hoped Cheryl would take the lead as Jody had done before so that I could copy. I was glad it was a two girl threesome so at least I wasn’t completely out there on my own. Of course id had sex before plenty of times. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how to fuck but porn wasn’t really like real life. I mean for starters you didn’t have all the thrill and build up of managing to pull someone before you take them home and shag their socks off. It’s kind of like all the emotional stuff is taken away first and you’re thrown in the deep end. It’s kind of weird picking things up half way through a story and being expected to be as passionate as if you had worked really hard to snare this hunk of a guy and get him back to your place.

That’s the acting part and it’s also one of the parts that will screw you up in the head most in this business. At first you just get through it on nerves and anticipation alone but soon you get bored of it and start looking like a bad actress. That’s when the booze and drugs start being a requirement to get through it.

I was so nervous. That was to be expected I guess but I felt like a freak for being nervous. Everyone on the set had had sex before and most were used to watching other people doing it. I wasn’t used to any of this though but I tried hard not to let it show and prayed Cheryl read my mind telepathically and did guide me through.

Me and Cheryl got made up by the makeup artist who also happened to be the producer/directors pimp wife. She was a pretty plump lady who seemed deluded about her age. Mutton dressed as lamb sprung to mind. She had been a porn actress herself in her younger years, her massive breasts managing to make her very popular not just in the UK but also largely (pardon the pun) in Europe.

Carmen booked the girls for the shoots and acted as a makeup artist on the day. I came to the conclusion after a few shoots with this company that Carmen liked to be in charge of make up so she could make the girls look like fucking morons in a vain attempt to feel better about her own fading looks. Make up really was applied with a shot gun. Bright red lippy all over your face so you resembled Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane and glitter spray all over you so you looked like an extra in Starlight Express. This was especially annoying when the location had no shower facilities so you had to go home with most of the glitter still stuck on you, your baby wipe hooker wash not really doing the trick. How her producer/performer husband never complained about the state of us or even managed to get a hard on when he was performing with us looking like demented idiots was beyond me.

As I mentioned Carmen was also a pimp or a Madame. She had been introduced to the escorting world on her trips to Europe and had made many rich contacts who would like nothing better than to splurge large amounts of cash on porn stars or glamour models. She was a very popular buxom lady in the 80s and working as a prostitute supplemented her modelling and porn income and after the glamorous work dried up kept her in the lifestyle she was accustomed to.

She had managed to set up an escort agency of her own specialising in porn star and glamour model escorts. She was in charge of booking the girls for her husband’s productions, that way she could coaxed them into joining her escort agency and supplement the escorts she already had on her agency books with more porn and modelling work when they weren’t in demand by horny wealthy men.

Trouble In Paradise

My best friend was lying to me about not turning up to jobs and making me look like a fool in the process so we were on rocky ground to begin with.

I was fast coming to the conclusion that Cindy was a fantasist. She didn’t need to do porn to pay her bills. She had a normal job to do that so porn was just abit of fun and play to her. I’d met her on a job so I knew she would turn up for bookings when it suited her but the more I thought about it the more I realised she just liked the idea of being naughty and being made to feel sexy. Of being idolised by men and women the world over. Of getting to have sex with lots of good looking random strangers who were there for the same reasons as her. For being deemed as one of the glamorous elite.

Being a fantasist though sometimes shed lose her nerve and back out. She didn’t treat this as a job just a joke. A way to get her own kicks.
Each to their own and I guess she wasn’t physically hurting anyone but that soon changed.

I needed to go for my health check up and Cindy decided she should come along to and get herself tested. In those days tests weren’t mandatory for models only working to the levels Cindy worked too. Cindy said she should have one though to be on the safe side which I was pleasantly surprised to hear from her since she obviously wasn’t taking the business seriously.

We went back a week later for the results and Cindy was told she had a NSU. Non Specific Urethras. It wasn’t serious but they would treat her. She had most likely caught it sharing toys and these weren’t uncommon. Not an actual disease but the Drs found something there they didn’t deem serious enough to give its own name but wisely chose to treat anyway.
The clinic asked Cindy to take some treatment home for her boyfriend too as he would more than likely have it too.

We went back to her flat where she lived with her mum and boyfriend and she told me how she hated taking medicine especially pills. Rather strange since I later witnessed her downing ecstasy and fat lines of cocaine. I told her to crush up the pill and mix it in some yogurt. She did this and then pulled a disgusted face with the first mouthful. I told her she’d have to eat it now or she would have wasted the pill. The clinic only gave her one pill.
She made every excuse under the sun and in the end promised to eat it later. I left about 30 minutes later and I know that yogurt ended up in the bin.

How dare she do that to herself and to the people including me that she was going to work with. She knew she had something, however small and unthreatening, that could be passed on to her man or me or any other model but she wimped out of taking the medication and left everyone else at fates hand.
She didn’t see the harm in what she was doing as she couldn’t see further than herself in this business. There was only her having fun and nothing else occurred or mattered to her.

My mind was racing now that something was not right with this girl who I so much liked.

The icing on the cake came on the New Years Eve night I told you about earlier.
When Cindy, her man and myself all went back to the hotel in the early hours of the morning shed told me to get into bed with them both as she didn’t want me sleeping on the uncomfy sofa. The bed was a massive queen size affair so I agreed. Cindy and her fella started getting it on and kept looking over at me. People having sex in front of me was nothing new and I knew I wasn’t in their way as they had asked me to be in the bed with them. I just ignored them.

It wasn’t until the next day that the penny dropped. Cindy called me and said she was actually bi sexual. Not like most girls in the business that were gay for pay. She really was and she had convinced her fella to let her have a bisexual relationship with me as well as him. A love triangle. She had wanted me to join in with them in that bed that morning. I was told that I wasn’t allowed to engage in any action with her boyfriend though. He was off limits to me and we had to share Cindy but not each other.

I told her I liked her very much as a girl friend but that I didn’t think I was actually bi. I just enjoyed sex with men and woman. I certainly didn’t want that sort of relationship with a girl. And especially not a girl who was already with another guy. That just sounded unfair and like hard work to me. Not my cup of tea at all.

This girl was deluded. I’m sure she thought both of us would be falling at her feet for the opportunity. The fact shed gone around arranging our lives for us. Her boyfriend was besotted enough with her to allow her to do the porn and then naively to agree to let me share her with him. Well he was totally taken in by her but I wasn’t so I decided to cut all ties. This girl was psycho. All id wanted was her friendship but the way things were going it just wasn’t worth my sanity or effort.

Years later Cindy’s guy emailed me saying he’d split up with her. I don’t remember the reason he gave. I did my best not to pay any attention and in all honesty I didn’t trust it wasn’t her pretending to be him and see if id maybe run off with him or something equally as weird. She was the type to mess with people like that. If it wasn’t her all I could say was good for him.

I still see Cindys model ads up on modeling websites from time to time and wonder what other freeky shit she has dreamed up.

Porn Virgin pt2

Who am I to judge Paul and his motives?

I was angry that Paul went behind my back and allowed me to be responsible for taking his virginity in front of a camera. I felt like I’d just raped someone without knowing id done it. Like a guy that finds out the girl he took home from the club is only 15.
Even though he showed levels of bravery, determination and had a very refreshing lack of bravado about the whole deal, in a business filled with egos this is a rare and valuable quality, I can’t stop being a little bit angry.

I’ve converted the whole episode into a humorous story now. It feels like how I imagined guys brag about sex with their mates down the pub. “Cor yeah I took his virginity alright. I took it on a flippin porn shoot. Who’s the daddy now then?”.
However the thing missing, the thing that made me so angry and still somewhat so today even through the laughter is the absence of any honesty. My right to chose was taken from me and one of the most important terms of working in this business is to be given a choice.

Aside the anger, I was also looking down my nose at Paul with his naivety and lack of experience but I was forgetting something.
I wasn’t a virgin when I did my first porn film but I had never had sex with another girl and id never had toys placed up my rectum before either.
Yes the producer knew this when he booked me for my maiden scene which is probably the only difference between me and Paul but I was very inexperienced when I started out too.

A lot of my firsts were done in porno land.
The first time I got pissed on – I mean properly on my face and in my mouth. Pissing on someone’s ankle does not count.
The first time I did a double penetration – I’m not even sure I remember this monumentus moment. I can only assume it was my first as it’s my earliest memory of such an act.
The first time I had a three-some. The list goes on.
So maybe I’m not so different to Paul. I suppose as an individual I put a higher price on that special moment of actually going all the way for the first time but strangely not on anything else. Most likely my inner child talking from beyond the silicone.

I had my cherry popped on numerous occasions throughout my career and there are still things I’ve never done but anticipate will eventually get an opportunity to try out on camera one day.
Considering my last post (To do or not to do – 18th Feb. 2008) there are plenty of things I would love to try out but wouldn’t have the guts to in my real or private life. The safety of the camera means I can get daring and feel safe about it.

Maybe it’s not just me that feels like this. Maybe real life sex is supposed to be more limited (I hate to use that word) and that’s why porn has always been so attractive to viewers. Maybe there is a real freedom that comes with pornography.

Porn Virgin

I can honestly say I don’t remember the details of losing my virginity.

I remember where and with whom and the basics of how the event unfolded but I can’t recall exactly how old I was or the date or the finer points of this typically memorable experience for most young girls.

I remember the details of my first porn shag much more clearly in fact.

The thing that I clearly remember is being told how id taken some guys virginity on set months after the scene had taken place.

It does happen. People lose their virginity in porn films. I don’t mean like the thousands of films that claim the star is an 18 year old college virgin. Please don’t tell me you fell for that line. I’m talking about genuine real life virgins. In porn this is rare and usually done in the guise of female domination with a male virgin.

Id arranged a 2 day shoot at a studio in south London to roll out some quality boy/girl picture sets for my website. I was going to shoot 6 guys. 2 sets for each guy. So that’s 12 fucks for me. For whatever reason I didn’t or couldn’t pay for my male talent so Id arranged my co performers based on a collection of emails id received from guys wanting to get a break into the business. Now this opens a whole new can of worms to which I will keep a lid on just for now.

I carefully picked the 6 guys based on a mix of who was good looking, who had a big todger , who had done shoots before therefore having a base knowledge of what to expect – not getting confused with them actually being any good at these previous shoots but they had the experience at least. Lastly I picked them on fitting certain niches or styles such as black guy/white girl or older guy/younger girl so that we could achieve some variety.

Bottom line - all of these guys would work for free and were at least semi believable as professional porn studs. I in return would get my pictures and give them a helping hand into the industry.

Paul was very shy and didn’t say much but I gathered this was his first shoot. He lived with his mum still, bless! He was young and seemed eager and that was good enough for me right then.
We had just finished the first set when the next model turned up early. A flash of inspiration resulted in my idea to do a threesome scene with myself and both the guys. The new arrival was the best looking of the bunch and the one who went on to become one of the main UK male performers for awhile.

Two of the guys got regular work in the business although they were often only used as last resorts or cheap alternatives. They were not by a long shot to the standards of the pros.

Poor Paul had fumbled his way through the first set and without really thinking about him Id now thrown him into a daunting scenario alongside an Italian Adonis type to his cute little boy next door look. All I cared about was that this created a fantastic situation for me to have two cocks. The camera never focuses on the guys aside their manhood so it didn’t matter that they looked so oddly mis-matched.

It’s easy to feel like a spare part in a threesome and it takes assertion to make it work. I knew it was Pauls first shoot so I directed him and worked hard to get him included in the action or he would have ended up looking like a nosey neighbour who had popped by to see what was going on and standing on the outskirts just watching. The Italian stallion had done this before once or twice as well as being very sexually confident to boot. Paul now seemed to go to bits next to him.

In the preceding months I received several emails from Paul asking if I had any more work for him. I don’t think I answered him and if I did it would only be to politely say no. He did the worst of all the guys that day. I put it all down to nerves as it often is with new guys trying out but I honestly didn’t think porn was for him even if he hadn’t been so anxious.
I did manage to get him one stint in a gang bang film. The producer couldn’t use professional studs for this as it needed to look amateur. I think this request must have coincided with one of Pauls emails so I hooked him up with the producer. I had after all promised him a leg up in the business. If anyone asked Id tell the truth and say that he didn’t really have what it took but id kept my side of the bargain to him.
A few days after the gang bang shoot I had a call from the producer to say thanks for the guy’s id recommended. Paul had attended the gang bang and from what I can make out didn’t prove himself any better there. Much like before, with the threesome shoot we did, he stood on the outskirts and fumbled along quietly.

Then to my amazement the producer commented “[he’s] not bad for someone who’s only ever had sex once”.
WTF?
“Yeah. Didn’t you know he was a virgin until you did that shoot with him?”
OMG!
I took this guys virginity!

On a porn set!

And I didn’t even know it!

I was actually a little angry Paul hadn’t said anything to me. It’s a big deal taking someone’s virginity and had I known I would never have agreed to it. It would have explained his shyness. Well it wasn’t actually shyness now was it? It was not knowing the fuck what he was doing... AT ALL.

What on earth was going through this guy’s head? Why on earth would anyone want to lose their virginity on a porn set?
Was he desperate? Was it some sort of fantasy?

He was definitely the shy, quiet type and I could easily imagine him having difficulty in chatting to girls so maybe it was out of desperation. But to do it for the first time on a porn set. That’s like suicide. It could really screw your head up. Porn sex isn’t like real sex. Porn is like dancing a carefully choreographed ballet instead of free styling on the night club dance floor. Its fake is what it is. It would be like getting married only to gain a green card. If you’re going to do something as life defining as losing your virginity, do not cheapen it by doing it on a porn set. Do it for the right reasons. Then every other time after that you can do it on porn set. The first time should be real and special.

On the other hand even if he was desperate, it took balls to go through with it and even to think about it in the first place. I was still angry that id been made to be part of this. Maybe that’s why he never said. Maybe he knew he was wrong to be doing it that way.

Crazy guy.