First Steps

Sorry to suddenly flip stories but after my short sabbatical I felt like writing about my beginnings.

I’ve told you about alot of my firsts in porno but I’m yet to divulge the tale of my first EVER shoot. My stepping stone into the surreal underworld that is sometimes rightly, sometimes wrongly judged yet always intriguing, that is the sex industry. The beginning of my new vocation. The taster that got my juice buds suculating enough to make me want to experience more.

This shoot, my first journey into the business of pornography was a full nine months before I made a conscious effort to pursue porn as a career. I was simply testing the water. Playing a game and just trying to have some fun. I wanted to do something wild and daring and totally unlike the real me. I wanted to not be me for a while.

I found an advert in The Stage newspaper from a guy looking for females for adult photographic work. It said no experience necessary and new comers welcome. I built up the courage to call this guy one lunch time. He sounded nice. He asked me what I looked like, how old I was. He said he would travel to my town with all his equipment and book a hotel to shoot in if I couldn’t shoot from my own home. This sounded like a plan. So far so good but I wasn’t prepared for him to say could I make it that evening? Eeek!

My brain raced. Could I make it that evening? Did I even want to do it that same evening? Was I ready that soon? Id assumed it would be arranged in advance and that I would have time to build up to the big day. I knew I wouldn’t chicken out, when I set my heart and mind to something I do it but id really been hoping I’d have some time to get used to the idea and come to terms with what I was about to get myself into.

I told him this was my first time. This could have been a grave error as I opened myself up and laid bare my biggest weakness to a complete stranger. This could have been the magic words to a psycho but my instincts were telling me this was the right thing to do. I wasn’t thinking of dramatics. I was being positive and making sure he knew I wasn’t a pro to cover my back when I would no doubt turn up looking like a rabbit caught in the head lights. I was more worried he’d not pay me because I didn’t do a good enough job than getting raped and murdered. I figured if I was honest with him he’d help me along and coach me through the experience. I really had no idea what happened at an adult photo shoot. Not even enough to forge together a rough idea.

He, Neil, said that he’d pay me £50 cash per hour. Considering I was used to getting just £5 an hour in my then job, £50 was like winning the lottery. He said it would only take an hour or so. I dont recall if he expalined what end use the pictures would have. I didnt know the difference between pro or am in those early days. i didnt know there were hobbiests so i guess i must have assumed at the least that he was a pro.

He was only going to take pictures of me on my own in sexy poses. He asked if I was ok with spreading my legs and I assured him that was fine and it really didn’t bother me in the slightest. I knew this wasn’t going to be some glossy glamour shoot such as those soft and tasteful ones seen in lad mags. I was fully aware that this was top shelf magazine stuff. Naughty, rude, no frills images of me baring myself in all my glory. It was almost worrying how unfazed I was by this notion. I wasn’t erotically excited by it at all either. I was excited but more so by the thought of doing something so different. So unlike me. Of stepping into the unknown and doing something that took confidence. Now I reflect that it also took stupidity and desperation.

Neil wasn’t pushy, it was my own irrational fear that if I said no to his suggestion of shooting that night that I might lose out altogether. Never one to miss out I gathered my thoughts as quick as I could and worked out that yes I could make it that evening. Only just mind. I’d have to grab a taxi home from work to bath, shave my pegs and re do my hair and makeup and collect some lingerie and then cab it back into town. It would be a rush but what the hell. ‘Let’s do it’ I thought.

I put the phone down on a high, buzzing from the adrenaline rush. I still didn’t know where id got the courage from to make the call. I thought I’d be more nervous about that evening impending activities but I didn’t have enough of an idea of what was to happen to be that way. I didn’t have any expectations or aspirations. I was just going to go along and see what happened. I couldn’t think to hard about something I didn’t know anything about and I was glad as I couldn’t talk myself out of it.

I had a smug air about me that afternoon and a naughty glint in my eye knowing that I had just created this hugely controversial secret about myself. I suddenly felt all grown up and adored.

Porn Virgin pt2

Who am I to judge Paul and his motives?

I was angry that Paul went behind my back and allowed me to be responsible for taking his virginity in front of a camera. I felt like I’d just raped someone without knowing id done it. Like a guy that finds out the girl he took home from the club is only 15.
Even though he showed levels of bravery, determination and had a very refreshing lack of bravado about the whole deal, in a business filled with egos this is a rare and valuable quality, I can’t stop being a little bit angry.

I’ve converted the whole episode into a humorous story now. It feels like how I imagined guys brag about sex with their mates down the pub. “Cor yeah I took his virginity alright. I took it on a flippin porn shoot. Who’s the daddy now then?”.
However the thing missing, the thing that made me so angry and still somewhat so today even through the laughter is the absence of any honesty. My right to chose was taken from me and one of the most important terms of working in this business is to be given a choice.

Aside the anger, I was also looking down my nose at Paul with his naivety and lack of experience but I was forgetting something.
I wasn’t a virgin when I did my first porn film but I had never had sex with another girl and id never had toys placed up my rectum before either.
Yes the producer knew this when he booked me for my maiden scene which is probably the only difference between me and Paul but I was very inexperienced when I started out too.

A lot of my firsts were done in porno land.
The first time I got pissed on – I mean properly on my face and in my mouth. Pissing on someone’s ankle does not count.
The first time I did a double penetration – I’m not even sure I remember this monumentus moment. I can only assume it was my first as it’s my earliest memory of such an act.
The first time I had a three-some. The list goes on.
So maybe I’m not so different to Paul. I suppose as an individual I put a higher price on that special moment of actually going all the way for the first time but strangely not on anything else. Most likely my inner child talking from beyond the silicone.

I had my cherry popped on numerous occasions throughout my career and there are still things I’ve never done but anticipate will eventually get an opportunity to try out on camera one day.
Considering my last post (To do or not to do – 18th Feb. 2008) there are plenty of things I would love to try out but wouldn’t have the guts to in my real or private life. The safety of the camera means I can get daring and feel safe about it.

Maybe it’s not just me that feels like this. Maybe real life sex is supposed to be more limited (I hate to use that word) and that’s why porn has always been so attractive to viewers. Maybe there is a real freedom that comes with pornography.