First Steps

Sorry to suddenly flip stories but after my short sabbatical I felt like writing about my beginnings.

I’ve told you about alot of my firsts in porno but I’m yet to divulge the tale of my first EVER shoot. My stepping stone into the surreal underworld that is sometimes rightly, sometimes wrongly judged yet always intriguing, that is the sex industry. The beginning of my new vocation. The taster that got my juice buds suculating enough to make me want to experience more.

This shoot, my first journey into the business of pornography was a full nine months before I made a conscious effort to pursue porn as a career. I was simply testing the water. Playing a game and just trying to have some fun. I wanted to do something wild and daring and totally unlike the real me. I wanted to not be me for a while.

I found an advert in The Stage newspaper from a guy looking for females for adult photographic work. It said no experience necessary and new comers welcome. I built up the courage to call this guy one lunch time. He sounded nice. He asked me what I looked like, how old I was. He said he would travel to my town with all his equipment and book a hotel to shoot in if I couldn’t shoot from my own home. This sounded like a plan. So far so good but I wasn’t prepared for him to say could I make it that evening? Eeek!

My brain raced. Could I make it that evening? Did I even want to do it that same evening? Was I ready that soon? Id assumed it would be arranged in advance and that I would have time to build up to the big day. I knew I wouldn’t chicken out, when I set my heart and mind to something I do it but id really been hoping I’d have some time to get used to the idea and come to terms with what I was about to get myself into.

I told him this was my first time. This could have been a grave error as I opened myself up and laid bare my biggest weakness to a complete stranger. This could have been the magic words to a psycho but my instincts were telling me this was the right thing to do. I wasn’t thinking of dramatics. I was being positive and making sure he knew I wasn’t a pro to cover my back when I would no doubt turn up looking like a rabbit caught in the head lights. I was more worried he’d not pay me because I didn’t do a good enough job than getting raped and murdered. I figured if I was honest with him he’d help me along and coach me through the experience. I really had no idea what happened at an adult photo shoot. Not even enough to forge together a rough idea.

He, Neil, said that he’d pay me £50 cash per hour. Considering I was used to getting just £5 an hour in my then job, £50 was like winning the lottery. He said it would only take an hour or so. I dont recall if he expalined what end use the pictures would have. I didnt know the difference between pro or am in those early days. i didnt know there were hobbiests so i guess i must have assumed at the least that he was a pro.

He was only going to take pictures of me on my own in sexy poses. He asked if I was ok with spreading my legs and I assured him that was fine and it really didn’t bother me in the slightest. I knew this wasn’t going to be some glossy glamour shoot such as those soft and tasteful ones seen in lad mags. I was fully aware that this was top shelf magazine stuff. Naughty, rude, no frills images of me baring myself in all my glory. It was almost worrying how unfazed I was by this notion. I wasn’t erotically excited by it at all either. I was excited but more so by the thought of doing something so different. So unlike me. Of stepping into the unknown and doing something that took confidence. Now I reflect that it also took stupidity and desperation.

Neil wasn’t pushy, it was my own irrational fear that if I said no to his suggestion of shooting that night that I might lose out altogether. Never one to miss out I gathered my thoughts as quick as I could and worked out that yes I could make it that evening. Only just mind. I’d have to grab a taxi home from work to bath, shave my pegs and re do my hair and makeup and collect some lingerie and then cab it back into town. It would be a rush but what the hell. ‘Let’s do it’ I thought.

I put the phone down on a high, buzzing from the adrenaline rush. I still didn’t know where id got the courage from to make the call. I thought I’d be more nervous about that evening impending activities but I didn’t have enough of an idea of what was to happen to be that way. I didn’t have any expectations or aspirations. I was just going to go along and see what happened. I couldn’t think to hard about something I didn’t know anything about and I was glad as I couldn’t talk myself out of it.

I had a smug air about me that afternoon and a naughty glint in my eye knowing that I had just created this hugely controversial secret about myself. I suddenly felt all grown up and adored.

Opening Doors

Peter picked me up at my flat one morning after our first successful shoot and drove me to his little studio in the Summerset countryside.

On the way he said he needed to pop into PC World for some techy stuff for his kit. I milled around the store aimlessly trying not to get in Peters way. He picked up what he needed and we went and stood in the queue to pay. As we did he pointed out some printers on special offer. He asked if I had a printer for my little laptop. I had an old black and white one that had seen better days and cost more than its own value to keep in fresh ink. Peter picked up a printer from the top of the pile and stated that he would buy it for me. I tried to argue that he didn’t need to and what the heck for but he was very persistent and clinched the deal with “you can owe me ok!” so I agreed. I kind of felt uncomfortable that some guy id only really just met was buying me £100 printers for no apparent reason but I figured he wouldn’t have put up such a fight if he didn’t want me to have it.

When we got to his studio he showed me around. It was small and grubby round the edges but fit its purpose and its environment was quaint. He quickly set up using a pale back drop. He told me to strip off and explained what poses I was to get into. We did some standing, some lying down and some sitting up. All tasteful but simple.

It felt like only ten minutes had gone by when he said “All done. Give us a hug and get dressed”. I got up and put my arms around his neck and planted a sisterly kiss on his cheek accompanied by a thank you. We went down stairs to his office and he played the images back to me on his computer. He said he’d give them all to me on a disk but he taught me how to delete images and rotate them and how to change them into black and white. How to make my teeth and eyes whiter and how to print the pictures out on glossy paper with a fancy border round them on my new printer ready to place in my book. I was awe struck. Wow. Now I could edit my own pictures and play with them to make them look more appealing for my portfolio.

My first proper portfolio images. Now I felt like a real model not just someone being paid to have sex.

I emailed my new images out to people and got defensive when I got unflattering comments back about how black and white images meant they couldn’t tell my skin tone or how this image or that didn’t really show my body off very well. What were these people going on about? Couldn’t they see how great these pictures were?

Peter chatted to me on the way back telling me all about his adventures in porn and life in general. Who he knew and who he had fallen out with. I didn’t notice at the time as he seemed so nice and generous but in retrospect he did have alot of enemies. I decided it must be these other people who were the baddies. Peter was too nice.

Peter started telling me about a guy he was working with to build a website and how they were looking for some girls to build sites for too. He had another model he was good friends with – they had similar tastes and she had agreed to do a site with them and now that offer was extended to me. It wasn’t quite ready to go just yet but that meant id have time to build up some content ready for my new site. I’d get 50% of the profits made from people signing up to the site to see pictures of me doing... well doing everything and anything really. Sounded easy peasy. Peter even said he’d take the photos to help me out.

A website sounded like a good way to earn money for not doing very much but it also sounded very permanent. Although I was taking the business seriously I still had no ideas about how long term my new career would be. I was still prepared in the back of my head for the work to just stop one day soon and to realise that that was my lot, time to go back to the rat race. A website gave me some dept in my new role. It was something that wouldn’t just go away one day.

Stick Wit Choo

So you see there is more to being a dumb blonde porn chic or ditzy glamour girl than simply throwing poses in well... not very much at all and it’s not all just laying on my back having the time of my life getting shagged senseless.

Somewhere in there, there is a business woman, a PR exec, a makeup artist, a personal trainer, a driver or chauffer, a secretary, an agent, a wardrobe assistant and on and on and on.

If I had to be honest id say for every day I spend on back of house stuff I do one hour of actual paid work.

Talking of paid work I managed to befriend one of the industries core players who became one of my main bookers for a period of time.

I was passed Peters number by an amateur photographer. At the end of the shoot the guy wrote down a number and said he knew Peter, who was a long standing professional photographer in the business, was always interested in new girls and that I should give him a call, so I did. Turns out Peter was passing my way later that day so asked if he could stop by for an informal chat to see what I looked like and discuss how he works. I didn’t know any better at the time and Peter sounded nice enough and pretty much promised me work over the phone so I agreed to meet in order to seal the deal. I didn’t have any issues with him popping by like this but over the years I became aware that nine times out of ten anyone asking to come and meet you pre shoot was a time waster or something equally as dodgy but most likely just looking for a free shag. Sometimes I get quite offended when I think about how stupid some people perceive women and models in particular to be.

So really Peter was lucky I was still new and naive as I wouldn’t have entertained that notion for too many months longer. We met and I made him tea. He was a bit on the touchy feely side but in more of a big brother hug than a creepy perv kind of manner which pushed any worries I had about my safety around him away. He talked like he’d known me for years. He told me about himself, how he only lived about 5 miles away from me and how he used to be a Page 3 photographer for one of the tabloids until he fell out with the papers owner. He went on to tell me how he didn’t just photograph girls but also arty black and white landscapes as well. Peter showed me some of these images in a calendar he’d had made up and they were impressive. He gave me a calendar to keep. He told me that he often took girls out for Chinese and that he only ever ate Chinese or McDonalds. I didn’t even have to ask if these dining experiences were romantic as his storeys were so matter of fact. He was just everyone’s mate.

He described what he had in mind for me. He had a film producer friend he worked with and they would come to my flat and do some pictures and a film. It would be a boy/girl shoot with a male model called Vince but this particular film was centred around the fact that Peter was going to join in in a gonzo fashion and take over from Vince half way through. For a fleeting second I wasn’t overly happy with this purely because Peter was the complete opposite of anything I found attractive. He wasn’t fat or spotty he just was the opposite of everything that ticked my box. I wanted the work though and knew if I said I didn’t want to work with him he’d say that he wouldn’t be able to use me for the shoot as that was the whole point of the film.

I put my professional head on and concentrated on the fact that not every guy I was going to work with was going to be a stunner. Come on, Oliver wasn’t particularly good looking and neither was Big Dave. It certainly wasn’t a case of beggars can’t be choosers but as you know I was taking my new career seriously so I pushed my concerns out of my head and agreed.

That mixed with the fact Peter told me about loads of other jobs he could book me for if I did well in this first one meant the cons of having to grin and bare something so non life threatening for a few hours was worth it with the pros out weighting this decreasing concern. He also said he’d take me to his studio and shoot my first professional portfolio images.

I decided Peter was a generous guy and one that might take me places so I made a mental note to stick to him like glue which seemed to suit him and his pally demeanour.

All Work and No Play

I’ve already discussed all the time we performers spend at the GU clinic too. Going for tests, picking up certificates. Team that with the fact your local clinic, as I well found out, might not be sufficient to provide you with the relevant paperwork so more travel is involved. The two main clinics for the business are both in London. I’ve know people who had to travel down from oop north just to get tested once a month then pick up results 7 days later.

Then comes the part that no one thinks about. The admin and back end. The time I spend checking my emails, scouring for work, networking, and marketing myself.

In those early days there were no such thing as Facespace and MyBook. Now managing my office time is an even more impossible, never ending job in itself. I often think I should employ a secretary. Many girls do have secretaries in the form of there pimpy, lecherous partners. These guys act as managers, sometimes calling themselves chaperones. They do all the organising and communication, often pretending to be Sally Ann on email and over the internet and you will find them feeding Sally Ann lines when she speaks on the phone to producers etc. Sally merely has to turn up to the job and do the business, for which her fella will have driven her there and will more often than not enjoy perving in the back ground at his girlfriend or wife getting fucked by other people. He will of course enjoy the money she has just made him.

But more about these sometimes unbelievable arrangements later.

This admin side of my job is time consuming but very necessary. Without it I simply don’t work. Yes I have several agents but I only remain at the forefront of their minds in my early days. Once I’ve been around the block and some fresh meat has waltzed into town I can pretty much wave goodbye to any help I see from my agents unless I’m specifically cast in a part which is rare. Or that I’m called in last minute to fill in for someone who’s no showed.

I’ve made quite a good business for myself just by being flexible enough to cover these flaky girls. I’m centrally located and can always be relied upon. Yeah it’s not so soothing on the ego knowing a large percentage of my work only happens by accident but it is a business and the aim of the game is to earn money.

I get emails from my ads on the modelling websites daily. In fact the volume they come in I found it quite a quick process to learn to sort the wheat from the chaff. I categorise emails into three sections.

Genuine interest. These people are known to me and often professional companies who write helpful, detailed and informative emails supplying links to work often through a website of their own.

Then there are the idiots who I have already discussed. They are fantasists and time wasters. They will write mails like “how much to fuck you?” Yes really that’s it. No please or thank you or even a hello. Or they will make up elaborate stories about running professional companies but not be able to back these claims up. The emails will be so detailed you fall asleep half way through. They describe things so obvious such as “then you will insert a well oiled dildo I have that is 12 inches long and 5 inches wide slowly into you soaking wet shaved pussy” rather than simply state “you’ll do insertion with larger toys”. Yawn – delete!

The last category is in between. They could be genuine but not so good at articulating. Maybe shy or just new to this and not know the lingo or how things work in the business. These people I will entertain until they prove to be examples of the second group. Its these people who eat your time. You waste precious minutes and even hours with email correspondence asking questions to establish how valid they really are, giving them the benefit of the doubt but also getting excited that potentially this is another job. Then it all goes south and you’ll have put off a real job in the vain hope this prat is serious.

Sometimes you don’t get so lucky and you go all the way only for the guy not to show up on the day. I said I worked out quickly how to identify most time wasters but I’m not an enigma machine.

I also have to learn to master the art of self promotion, setting up and maintaining all my adverts and profiles. Tweaking the text so that I sound as appealing as a pair of Jimmy Choos to Paris Hilton. I have to update my images regularly. It’s like having an online portfolio and only the best five or six images will do. You have to keep your images fresh as many people will look at your profile one day and not feel drawn to you but maybe three months later they see a different image and forget they ever saw that dodgy old snap of you or just feel that maybe you are worth booking after all.

I spend time mailing people who advertise for work on message boards. I scour the World Wide Web looking for more and more modelling profile sites to join in the desperate attempt not to be missed by any potential employers.

Then after all that I have to be my own PR agent. I have to create a successful fan base and market myself to them. This will ensure I remain popular enough to stay in demand with professional companies and studios. This as you might imagine means replying to fan mail, sending out signed pictures and DVDs. Uploading images and movie clips on the net and setting up my own official fan pay site where I can promote myself to the world letting them know all my latest movies and movements. Creating my own hype and making people love me.

Time of my Life

A lot of people aren’t aware of all the energy and hard work that goes into being a porn actress or model. I’ll admit I didn’t either to begin with. Even I thought it was as simple as turning up to a job, doing the job and then coming home to enjoy spending the money id just made. Think about traditional models and the rep they get as clueless, talentless beings. How many people have you heard utter the words ‘Modelling...how hard can it be?’

I had this little vision when I started out and it went something like this. I could make as much money doing one single shoot as it took me a week to earn in my old job. Instead of working 40 hours a week I now only needed to work between 2 and 4 hrs. The rest of the week was mine to do as I wished. I could study to do something interesting or be a lazy couch potato eating crisps and watching Trisha on TV. If I did more than one shoot a week id be on even more money so I could spend my time shopping for nice things. Bliss!

Ah life would have been so simple if that fantasy had been true. I’m not the type to sit around being passive and since so much work was being offered to me I simply accepted it and found myself working most days.

The logistics of being a porn star are very different to how one outside the business might believe they are. I get fan mail from people who genuinely think I sit around eating bon bons all day. Either that or being a nymphomaniac (in their minds anyway) I’m constantly having sex in some way shape or form. This fool’s paradise always makes me chuckle. I wish.

Obviously there is a lot of travelling involved in this line of work. Most of my shoots do take place in London which is where I call home but the rest, which still makes up a large volume, can be based all over the rest of the UK and indeed the world. Ok so spending hours on a train isn’t so stressful especially the way technology is today but it can mean very early starts and stupidly late finishes. Just see my last blog to see how long some days can be. In fact some producers have a call time for the day before or for full cast first thing in the morning. That way they can ensure that if anyone isn’t going to show up they have time to call in a replacement and limit the damage that can be created by a no show. They might ask you to travel down the evening before and put you up for the night or tell you to get to the set for 8am only for you to find yours is the last scene of the day at 10pm.

People get anxious and board hanging around so it’s no wonder drink and drugs are found on sets so often to alleviate both symptoms. I started smoking because of this. It would give me an excuse to pop outside and get some fresh air (yeah I know, ironic huh!?) and a change of scenery. It was a bonding mechanism too. A common ground I could share with people and made me feel I belonged.

Then as I mentioned in an earlier blog there is shopping for wardrobe. Ok, it’s still shopping but it’s kind of like shopping for work clothes. It’s not as much fun if any fun at all. It’s not really indulging the real you.

And also maintaining your look as a glamour girl. Fake tans and sunbeds, nails, hair. All this takes time and money. Staying fit and in shape is a must so going to the gym regularly is important. In all honesty more of the girls who just model at a more soft core range rather than the ones who act in movies will do this and take the up keep of their bodies seriously. Girls who mainly do films tend to spend more time boozing and getting high than working out. The latter tends to keep the weight off anyway but these two opposite ends of the wellbeing spectrum don’t mix well as you can probably imagine although I do know one girl who often went to the gym after a session in the bar. Personally I couldn’t have stayed upright on a tread mill for very long if I was wankered.

But all this maintenance is very time consuming. Most women enjoy going to the salon or nail bar. I just found it a damn inconvenience and an encroachment on my time.

In at the Deep End

When it came to shooting the scene Dave had decided to make it moody and dark. I guess this was so if it didn’t happen and I couldn’t fit him in or something we could cheat it and his black cock against the shadow of my ass crevice and all the ambient lighting, the end viewer just wouldn’t be able to see shit. But then another blow. He wanted me to do a strip tease on stage on my own. Just like the first scene I told him I couldn’t dance but he simply and calmly told me that was no problem and that I should just slowly strip my outfit off whilst walking around the stool I was sitting on. Whatever I did would be fine by him. I was glad it was so dark now as I couldn’t see all three cameras on me so I felt alone and switched off to the fact people were watching me do something that I felt awkward and embarrassed doing.

I sheepishly jigged around the stool id been perched on top of before Big Dave yelled ‘Action’. I looked more as if I needed a pee than I was seductively stripping my outfit off. Once id stripped off no one came forth with any direction so I just carried on strutting naked around the chair most likely with a confused look on my face. Should I stop or carry on? Eventually someone yelled cut and then we moved on to Big Dave joining me in the scene. I learnt over time that when you do something on film you need to slow it down and this includes your talking. I suppose as we aren’t technically trained actors and actresses and because we do get nervous we tend to sprint to get through the bits we don’t like, like dialogue and intros that involve more traditional acting to establish the scene. Porn is typically lacking in script and this is good since most performers can’t read lines to save their life. Even being fed lines they fail miserably. Many a time I’ve been involved in a scene where the producer or director has asked one of the performers to do something and it’s usually like pulling teeth. We have no common sense as porn stars. We wouldn’t know how to own a role if we tried.

So anyway, as I say you need to slow things down in movies – well adult movies anyway. I can’t comment on mainstream Hollywood movies since I’ve never been a part of one. If someone asks you to strip which could easily be done in all of about 20 seconds considering how little some porn performers wear you need to string the whole thing out. I worked out a little routine for striping off. I adapted it so that I have a 5 minute version, a 10 minute version and a 20 min version depending on the needs of the requester. I go through a mental list of poses so I show off my front and back, my legs and my breasts equally in time. First whilst dressed then as I strip off of which I now have taking my panties off down to a fine art form lasting an age but being every second of pure tease and provocation, seriously I should win an award for this act alone, and then I go through my poses again when fully striped to show off my completely naked body in all its glory so the parts that were covered up before are now fully exposes for all the world to view.

Sometimes you get sick of all the tease and think ‘Fucking hell cant I just start naked and we get on with the fucking?’ but then again sometimes the titillation can be the best fun as you can get creative and vary this plus watching people’s reactions to what your doing is entertaining too. Usually camera men are just watching for angles and composing their frame or holding the camera steady but sometime you see you have caught them out and they are actually watching you and getting off. It’s a very empowering thing.

Big Dave enters the set and sidles up to me very slowly and erotically. His hands are large and warm and soft on my pale and goose bumpy skin. He makes a big show of lusting over my body with his hands and tongue and then concentrates on my pussy. It feels nice. Not like fucking but more like making love. Very dark and erotic and sensual. I actually do forget I’m on a set apart from my nerves about what is going to be happening to my twitching little ass hole all too soon. I try and enjoy this moment though and let it seduce me into relaxing a little.

It’s time for Big Dave to take me on. I’d been concentrating so hard on what was happening before this point to try and distract myself. Maybe hoping something would happen to save me at the last minute. He doused himself and me with lubricant and continued in his slow and sensitive style and gently worked his way into me all the time reassuring me and asking if I was ok. I was ok - for a girl who was struggling to perch back on the stool whilst Big Dave and his big cock entered my back passage. We had limited ourselves to possible sexual positions with the way the set had been dressed. For this I was thankful along with the distraction of trying to keep my balance on the stool.

I didn’t feel any pain during the anal but it was tight and uncomfortable. I didn’t enjoy it. Dave was indeed big but with it being so dark on set it was hard to get a good look and feel even when it was literally in front of my eyes whilst I gave him oral. Id had good cause to be nervous but it wasnt by a long shot a bad experience. I knew since he was supposed to be the daddy in the trouser snake department that it would all be a walk in the park in future. In at the deep end as they say and id managed to swim.

The pace remained slow. There was never any forceful pounding but still I started to get abit soar. Dave assured me it would soon be over and not before time it was. He worked hard to make sure I was always ok and to make sure that my ordeal was over swiftly. He made quick judgement calls when things didn’t go quite to plan but remained calm and empathic to my needs at all times. I would never see such compassionate behaviour from someone in porn again.

I’d gotten through a day id never forget. My first boy/girl sex scene and my first anal sex scene with a guy who to add to the already substantial list had the biggest cock id ever encountered. I’d done it. I was generously remunerated, I was tired and cold and hungry and still covered in flippin glitter. Id missed my last train home which despite Dave’s seemingly caring ways during the shoot he didn’t extend to once we’d wrapped. I was dumped at a deserted station and had no choice but to call my ex boyfriend to come and get me.

We drove home and had sex.

Taking My A Levels

Id finished my first boy/girl sex scene and was relieved it was finally over. I now knew what I could expect in future. It hadn’t been at all as harrowing as id thought and I was left feeling silly for being so nervous in the first place. I thought I’d done well and the director/producer verified this with compliments to that effect.

I was getting changed when Carmen came over and asked if id stay on to do an boy/girl scene with A levels later today as id done so well. Ah, so A levels as people kept referring to was anal. The penny dropped for me. Id been thinking it was strange how they expected so many girls to be so educted for such an unskilled role. Initially I was told this would be with Oliver again but just me and him this time. I was elated with the fact id gotten through the first momentous scene in my career and thought I was on a roll so agreed. I was feeling invincible and on a natural high. I explained it would be my first anal with a guy on film and in all truth would probably be the first real anal sex id experience in my life. Id tried anal sex with an old boyfriend but it was too painful. I don’t think he’d even gotten himself fully inside of me but I knew if I agreed to this now it would be the real deal.

At the time I thought Carmen was genuine about being impressed with me and I was flattered into working again but the reality was that some other girl had most likely let them down and since I was there and fresh meat I would do as a replacement.

The afternoon dragged on and I still hadn’t eaten properly. There was one more scene to shoot after my threesome and then I’d do my anal scene with Oliver. Oliver was obviously bored waiting around too but his idea to fill himself up with cocaine had a knock on effect and soon he made excuses saying he had a cold and felt ill and was going home. What he really meant was he’d over indulged and wouldn’t be able to get a hard on. For a moment I thought that meant the scene was off and if I’d been nervous this morning before my first scene I was about to get the fright of my life. Oliver’s fill in would be the director/producer who was also a famed performer as many producer/director/actors in the industry often were. I suppose it’s a cost effective way to work as they are skilled to do two or three of the jobs required to make a porno, many choosing to do both or all at the same time since the trend for gonzo and amateur porn evolved. Remember I called them one man bands?! But it’s one less pay cheque at the end of the day. It also ensures they get as much work as they want and don’t have to rely on other firms booking them.

My horror came from knowing this particular guys reputation. He was famed for having the biggest penis in British porn at the time. I’d never seen it but id been told numerous times about it. Apparently it was about 14 inches long.

I tried to get myself out of this fast by saying I didn’t think I would be able to take such a big guy my first time. Now I really had reason to be scared and nervous and would do anything to not have to go through with it. I didn’t want to let them down but I also didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could end up hurt. Even in those early days where I still had one hell of alot of learning to do about my body and its limits I knew this was a bad move.

One of the girls who worked closely with this guy, whose name was Big Dave, said she had some numbing cream in her bag and that I could use that. I was supposed to put it on my anus and I wouldn’t be able to feel if it hurt. The down and dangerous side of numbing cream or anything with Benzocaine in it is that you can do yourself alot of mischief if you use it. Nature’s way of telling you you are about to damage yourself is to cause you to feel pain but if you don’t have that warning signal you end up with a torn ass hole in my case.

Big Dave did something then that I will always remember and be grateful for. At the time I thought he was just being an arse but he insisted I didn’t use the cream saying it could make things worse. I was starting to really panic now and felt sick and hysterical. I think he could see this. He promised me that if it hurt we could use the cream but insisted we tried it without first. He calmed me down and said he would take his time and go slow. This is exactly what I needed to hear but unfortunately it would be one of the only times in porn that anyone showed me some respect and compassion. This is why I remember it so vividly. I always described Big Dave as a gentleman after this to anyone who asked about my experiences with him.