In at the Deep End

When it came to shooting the scene Dave had decided to make it moody and dark. I guess this was so if it didn’t happen and I couldn’t fit him in or something we could cheat it and his black cock against the shadow of my ass crevice and all the ambient lighting, the end viewer just wouldn’t be able to see shit. But then another blow. He wanted me to do a strip tease on stage on my own. Just like the first scene I told him I couldn’t dance but he simply and calmly told me that was no problem and that I should just slowly strip my outfit off whilst walking around the stool I was sitting on. Whatever I did would be fine by him. I was glad it was so dark now as I couldn’t see all three cameras on me so I felt alone and switched off to the fact people were watching me do something that I felt awkward and embarrassed doing.

I sheepishly jigged around the stool id been perched on top of before Big Dave yelled ‘Action’. I looked more as if I needed a pee than I was seductively stripping my outfit off. Once id stripped off no one came forth with any direction so I just carried on strutting naked around the chair most likely with a confused look on my face. Should I stop or carry on? Eventually someone yelled cut and then we moved on to Big Dave joining me in the scene. I learnt over time that when you do something on film you need to slow it down and this includes your talking. I suppose as we aren’t technically trained actors and actresses and because we do get nervous we tend to sprint to get through the bits we don’t like, like dialogue and intros that involve more traditional acting to establish the scene. Porn is typically lacking in script and this is good since most performers can’t read lines to save their life. Even being fed lines they fail miserably. Many a time I’ve been involved in a scene where the producer or director has asked one of the performers to do something and it’s usually like pulling teeth. We have no common sense as porn stars. We wouldn’t know how to own a role if we tried.

So anyway, as I say you need to slow things down in movies – well adult movies anyway. I can’t comment on mainstream Hollywood movies since I’ve never been a part of one. If someone asks you to strip which could easily be done in all of about 20 seconds considering how little some porn performers wear you need to string the whole thing out. I worked out a little routine for striping off. I adapted it so that I have a 5 minute version, a 10 minute version and a 20 min version depending on the needs of the requester. I go through a mental list of poses so I show off my front and back, my legs and my breasts equally in time. First whilst dressed then as I strip off of which I now have taking my panties off down to a fine art form lasting an age but being every second of pure tease and provocation, seriously I should win an award for this act alone, and then I go through my poses again when fully striped to show off my completely naked body in all its glory so the parts that were covered up before are now fully exposes for all the world to view.

Sometimes you get sick of all the tease and think ‘Fucking hell cant I just start naked and we get on with the fucking?’ but then again sometimes the titillation can be the best fun as you can get creative and vary this plus watching people’s reactions to what your doing is entertaining too. Usually camera men are just watching for angles and composing their frame or holding the camera steady but sometime you see you have caught them out and they are actually watching you and getting off. It’s a very empowering thing.

Big Dave enters the set and sidles up to me very slowly and erotically. His hands are large and warm and soft on my pale and goose bumpy skin. He makes a big show of lusting over my body with his hands and tongue and then concentrates on my pussy. It feels nice. Not like fucking but more like making love. Very dark and erotic and sensual. I actually do forget I’m on a set apart from my nerves about what is going to be happening to my twitching little ass hole all too soon. I try and enjoy this moment though and let it seduce me into relaxing a little.

It’s time for Big Dave to take me on. I’d been concentrating so hard on what was happening before this point to try and distract myself. Maybe hoping something would happen to save me at the last minute. He doused himself and me with lubricant and continued in his slow and sensitive style and gently worked his way into me all the time reassuring me and asking if I was ok. I was ok - for a girl who was struggling to perch back on the stool whilst Big Dave and his big cock entered my back passage. We had limited ourselves to possible sexual positions with the way the set had been dressed. For this I was thankful along with the distraction of trying to keep my balance on the stool.

I didn’t feel any pain during the anal but it was tight and uncomfortable. I didn’t enjoy it. Dave was indeed big but with it being so dark on set it was hard to get a good look and feel even when it was literally in front of my eyes whilst I gave him oral. Id had good cause to be nervous but it wasnt by a long shot a bad experience. I knew since he was supposed to be the daddy in the trouser snake department that it would all be a walk in the park in future. In at the deep end as they say and id managed to swim.

The pace remained slow. There was never any forceful pounding but still I started to get abit soar. Dave assured me it would soon be over and not before time it was. He worked hard to make sure I was always ok and to make sure that my ordeal was over swiftly. He made quick judgement calls when things didn’t go quite to plan but remained calm and empathic to my needs at all times. I would never see such compassionate behaviour from someone in porn again.

I’d gotten through a day id never forget. My first boy/girl sex scene and my first anal sex scene with a guy who to add to the already substantial list had the biggest cock id ever encountered. I’d done it. I was generously remunerated, I was tired and cold and hungry and still covered in flippin glitter. Id missed my last train home which despite Dave’s seemingly caring ways during the shoot he didn’t extend to once we’d wrapped. I was dumped at a deserted station and had no choice but to call my ex boyfriend to come and get me.

We drove home and had sex.

Taking My A Levels

Id finished my first boy/girl sex scene and was relieved it was finally over. I now knew what I could expect in future. It hadn’t been at all as harrowing as id thought and I was left feeling silly for being so nervous in the first place. I thought I’d done well and the director/producer verified this with compliments to that effect.

I was getting changed when Carmen came over and asked if id stay on to do an boy/girl scene with A levels later today as id done so well. Ah, so A levels as people kept referring to was anal. The penny dropped for me. Id been thinking it was strange how they expected so many girls to be so educted for such an unskilled role. Initially I was told this would be with Oliver again but just me and him this time. I was elated with the fact id gotten through the first momentous scene in my career and thought I was on a roll so agreed. I was feeling invincible and on a natural high. I explained it would be my first anal with a guy on film and in all truth would probably be the first real anal sex id experience in my life. Id tried anal sex with an old boyfriend but it was too painful. I don’t think he’d even gotten himself fully inside of me but I knew if I agreed to this now it would be the real deal.

At the time I thought Carmen was genuine about being impressed with me and I was flattered into working again but the reality was that some other girl had most likely let them down and since I was there and fresh meat I would do as a replacement.

The afternoon dragged on and I still hadn’t eaten properly. There was one more scene to shoot after my threesome and then I’d do my anal scene with Oliver. Oliver was obviously bored waiting around too but his idea to fill himself up with cocaine had a knock on effect and soon he made excuses saying he had a cold and felt ill and was going home. What he really meant was he’d over indulged and wouldn’t be able to get a hard on. For a moment I thought that meant the scene was off and if I’d been nervous this morning before my first scene I was about to get the fright of my life. Oliver’s fill in would be the director/producer who was also a famed performer as many producer/director/actors in the industry often were. I suppose it’s a cost effective way to work as they are skilled to do two or three of the jobs required to make a porno, many choosing to do both or all at the same time since the trend for gonzo and amateur porn evolved. Remember I called them one man bands?! But it’s one less pay cheque at the end of the day. It also ensures they get as much work as they want and don’t have to rely on other firms booking them.

My horror came from knowing this particular guys reputation. He was famed for having the biggest penis in British porn at the time. I’d never seen it but id been told numerous times about it. Apparently it was about 14 inches long.

I tried to get myself out of this fast by saying I didn’t think I would be able to take such a big guy my first time. Now I really had reason to be scared and nervous and would do anything to not have to go through with it. I didn’t want to let them down but I also didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could end up hurt. Even in those early days where I still had one hell of alot of learning to do about my body and its limits I knew this was a bad move.

One of the girls who worked closely with this guy, whose name was Big Dave, said she had some numbing cream in her bag and that I could use that. I was supposed to put it on my anus and I wouldn’t be able to feel if it hurt. The down and dangerous side of numbing cream or anything with Benzocaine in it is that you can do yourself alot of mischief if you use it. Nature’s way of telling you you are about to damage yourself is to cause you to feel pain but if you don’t have that warning signal you end up with a torn ass hole in my case.

Big Dave did something then that I will always remember and be grateful for. At the time I thought he was just being an arse but he insisted I didn’t use the cream saying it could make things worse. I was starting to really panic now and felt sick and hysterical. I think he could see this. He promised me that if it hurt we could use the cream but insisted we tried it without first. He calmed me down and said he would take his time and go slow. This is exactly what I needed to hear but unfortunately it would be one of the only times in porn that anyone showed me some respect and compassion. This is why I remember it so vividly. I always described Big Dave as a gentleman after this to anyone who asked about my experiences with him.

Easy Peasy

I’d been well and truly bedazzled by Carmen this time. Myself and Cheryl were matching and ready for action. The film was being shot in a night club in the Midlands whilst it was closed in the day. There were people milling around the club. Other actors and actresses that had been cast for other scenes being shot that day, the camera crew, staff from the club trying to do their own daily chores without getting in our way.

I picked up a porn mag laying on the pool table that had been transformed into Carmen’s make up table. It wasn’t a normal top shelf mag. This one had much more copy in it and no picture sets. The name of the magazine was AVN – Adult Video News. It was full of American films and performers but the director of the film I was in today had a small write up about one of his movies in there too. Other than that there was hardly anyone I knew or had heard of before. It was interesting to see how all the American girls looked and posed. The names of the films featured and the covers of the videos.

Two other girls who were equally as stupidly made up had gone in to shoot there lesbian scene before us despite me and Cheryl being the first out of hair and makeup. This was annoying as id been up so early and hadn’t really eaten anything. The fact Cheryl didn’t really talk to me meant I was sitting with nothing to do allowing my nerves to grow stronger and stronger. During this lull in activity Carmen asked Cheryl if she would take a £2000 over night escort booking. A guy had just called in on the phone. Apparently Cheryl escorted for Carmen a lot. The fact the pair of them had just walked in from the bathroom together and literally stood in front of me to have this conversation which was very woodenly acted out gives me reason to believe this was Carmen trying to get my attention and expecting me to have pound signs ker-chinging in my ears and eyes say that I’d do it.

I wasn’t at all interested in being a prostitute. I was an adult performer. I had nothing against girls who did do it but I was taken up with my new friend pornography. I remained silent and then Carmen pranced back over to her makeup nonchalantly asking if I’d ever considered escorting. I told her no but that id bear it in mind. A polite thanks but no thanks.

We were finally ready for our scene. We had to stand on two podiums on the dance floor and dance. Now I suddenly had something else to be petrified about other than this being my first time fucking a guy on film. I hated people watching me dance. It struck the fear of god into me so I blurted out that I can’t dance. The director didn’t care and said just do my best. I looked at Cheryl and she shrugged. As it turns out she was worse than me. The director shouted action and we started jigging about like two Christmas baubles on acid. I immediately felt better knowing Cheryl hated this as much as me. At least I wasn’t up there on my own.

Then Oliver the French performer enters for the scene. He strolls in all chic and French looking. Not particularly young or studdly looking. He reminded me of the French guy in Private Benjamin, the 80S film with Goldie Horn. He was older and more slimy looking than I thought a male porn stud would be. He didn’t smile and looked bored.

We moved on and got on with the action fairly quickly. All of about 30 seconds of girl on girl tit sucking and then Oliver joined in. He moved his head in between Cheryl’s legs and then stood up and yelled cut. I had no idea what was going on but he’d gone off and whispered in the director’s ear who had then whispered in Cheryl’s ear. I was getting abit paranoid in all honesty. Turns out Oliver thought she smelled unwell. Chances of Cheryl actually having BV or Thrush were high. They are in this business. Oliver didn’t want to take any chances and who knows it could have been something more serious so Cheryl’s vagina (and mouth to be on the safe side) was left out of the scene and she became abit of a spare part.

This freaked me for a second as I realised I wouldn’t be able to copy her any more but what actually happened was a god send. As I now had two people jumping all over me all I really could do was lay there and look like I was loving all the action. I couldn’t have moved for want of trying. I had hands and mouths all over me. Easy!

The penetrative sex was fine and I was more concerned with my knees on the rough surface of the podium than how big this guy’s cock was inside me. Cheryl was asked to use an old beer bottle on herself whilst Oliver took me from behind. I watched Cheryl and her bottle which I found quite entertaining in a non sexual way to the point I forgot I was being pounded myself. Well I wasn’t really being pounded, at least not like id learn I could be pounded in later years.

The Real Deal

My first official and professional boy/girl skin flick was certainly a momentous day to remember for me.

I had been cast in a two girl one guy scene. I found out on the day when I arrived at the location bright and far too early that the guy I was to be working with was a famous French porn star. The other girl was a young jail bait type. I kept hearing her name a lot so I assumed she was fairly popular and this made me aspire to work with her. I was quite excited about this scene really. I got to work with the legendary Cheryl Blows – well she was legendary in my naive head and I got to do my first proper sex scene with a man. I assumed Cheryl would be like Jody and take me under her wing. In fact id heard that Cheryl and Jody were quite pally and had work a lot together so I assumed Cheryl would be Jody mark two.

I was of course wrong. Cheryl had an attitude problem. Well that’s how I surmised it. In retrospect she didn’t, she just was a very private and aloof girl and didn’t involve herself with other people in the business. She was very young and so had a popular look and her personality or seeming lack of it made her appear even younger and almost shy.

Still I tried to make her like me and focused on the fact I still got to say I worked with her.

I was nervous it being my first full sex scene with an actual live penis. I kind of hoped Cheryl would take the lead as Jody had done before so that I could copy. I was glad it was a two girl threesome so at least I wasn’t completely out there on my own. Of course id had sex before plenty of times. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how to fuck but porn wasn’t really like real life. I mean for starters you didn’t have all the thrill and build up of managing to pull someone before you take them home and shag their socks off. It’s kind of like all the emotional stuff is taken away first and you’re thrown in the deep end. It’s kind of weird picking things up half way through a story and being expected to be as passionate as if you had worked really hard to snare this hunk of a guy and get him back to your place.

That’s the acting part and it’s also one of the parts that will screw you up in the head most in this business. At first you just get through it on nerves and anticipation alone but soon you get bored of it and start looking like a bad actress. That’s when the booze and drugs start being a requirement to get through it.

I was so nervous. That was to be expected I guess but I felt like a freak for being nervous. Everyone on the set had had sex before and most were used to watching other people doing it. I wasn’t used to any of this though but I tried hard not to let it show and prayed Cheryl read my mind telepathically and did guide me through.

Me and Cheryl got made up by the makeup artist who also happened to be the producer/directors pimp wife. She was a pretty plump lady who seemed deluded about her age. Mutton dressed as lamb sprung to mind. She had been a porn actress herself in her younger years, her massive breasts managing to make her very popular not just in the UK but also largely (pardon the pun) in Europe.

Carmen booked the girls for the shoots and acted as a makeup artist on the day. I came to the conclusion after a few shoots with this company that Carmen liked to be in charge of make up so she could make the girls look like fucking morons in a vain attempt to feel better about her own fading looks. Make up really was applied with a shot gun. Bright red lippy all over your face so you resembled Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane and glitter spray all over you so you looked like an extra in Starlight Express. This was especially annoying when the location had no shower facilities so you had to go home with most of the glitter still stuck on you, your baby wipe hooker wash not really doing the trick. How her producer/performer husband never complained about the state of us or even managed to get a hard on when he was performing with us looking like demented idiots was beyond me.

As I mentioned Carmen was also a pimp or a Madame. She had been introduced to the escorting world on her trips to Europe and had made many rich contacts who would like nothing better than to splurge large amounts of cash on porn stars or glamour models. She was a very popular buxom lady in the 80s and working as a prostitute supplemented her modelling and porn income and after the glamorous work dried up kept her in the lifestyle she was accustomed to.

She had managed to set up an escort agency of her own specialising in porn star and glamour model escorts. She was in charge of booking the girls for her husband’s productions, that way she could coaxed them into joining her escort agency and supplement the escorts she already had on her agency books with more porn and modelling work when they weren’t in demand by horny wealthy men.

To Good To Be True

I had circled this particular job in The Stage and called the telephone number given to find out more details. The guy sounded young and talked fast. He said id need to come and do a test shoot and then hopefully he would get me some work. He mentioned magazines such as FHM and all the usual laddie mags so of course I jumped at the chance to get my foot in the door to do something so prestigious.

I got the tube up to Warwick Avenue one Sunday afternoon. The guy had asked me to call from the station and he’d walk round the corner to meet me. Sure enough there he was. A young British Asian guy. He looked smart and his conversation sounded professional. We talked on the way back to the studio which turned out to be just a basement flat. I was used to being met by the producer or photographer so I was surprised to find out the photographer was a guy called John and he was already at the location. His girlfriend was also there sunbathing but I was told to ignore her as she was hung over and grouchy. I wasn’t sure then exactly what or who this Asian guy was. Was he an agent? An assistant?

I walked out of the hot summer sun and down to the dark flat which was nicely decorated but reminded me abit of the old beatniks. The photographer went through my capsule wardrobe that id bought with me. A load of brand new PVC and skimpy outfits from my latest recycling stint at Top Shop. He chose an outfit and I went to get dressed. He was an old white haired guy. You could tell he used to be a hippy or something but he’d turned trendy now. He wasn’t that personable but not scary. I took a breath and left the bathroom where Id changed and we started shooting.

Afterwards John played back his images through the TV to show me how they had turned out. They were lovely. Far nicer than any of the other pictures id modelled for, almost arty with nice angles that made me look amazing. No gratuitous poses with my legs behind my head here. Just simple and beautiful images of me posing seductively. Some were black and white and very sophisticated looking. I signed a model release form that the Asian guy handed me and thought with images like that they couldn’t fail to get me more work.

The young Asian guy walked me back to the tube. Id only been there and hour or so but I felt it went well. I was on a high knowing that id just shot the nicest pictures of my career so far. I never knew I could look so good. When we got to the tube he told me he’d be in touch if any of their contacts wanted to do a paid shoot with me.

It was a strange shoot. I really didn’t know what to make of it.
Was this an agency or was I shooting for the photographer to book me for a magazine and why had I signed a model release form if this was only a test shoot?

I went home reassured that id be hearing back from them soon with those wonderful images to represent me.

Time passed by and I got more work elsewhere to occupy my mind but after a few weeks I started to ponder as to why I hadn’t heard back from the guy at Warwick Avenue. At first I made excuses and imagined he was just busy. Then I rationalised that maybe I wasn’t what his clients were looking for. Eventually I decided to give them a call. There was no law saying I couldn’t and then if he had forgotten about me, my call would remind him he was supposed to be getting me some work.

The phone just rang and rang and rang when I plucked up the courage to dial his number.
Not even the opportunity to leave a message. That didn’t sound very professional. Sounded more like someone who didn’t want to be contacted.

I lay in bed thinking about this strange situation all the while my gut getting tighter and tighter with the feeling that something wasn’t right. I fell asleep eventually thinking that at worst, if they didn’t think I was pretty enough or busty enough to book other shoots that I could ask if they wouldn’t mind me having some copies of those gorgeous images from my portfolio that I was slowly trying to build.

In those days things were abit more traditional. Glamour girls still had books and didn’t rely on online portfolio pages or fan sites. I still love my book. I can look back at that in years to come and see some beautiful erotic pictures I’ve posed for. In amongst some smuttier ones that is.

Eventually I gave up hope of hearing from these people with any work but I became upset that I wouldn’t even have the chance to ask for copies of the images either. I could get over the lack of work if I could be pacified with images instead. At least that way I might book some other work on the merit of those pictures.

That was the first time I was lulled into doing a shoot or a “test shoot” for someone looking to make a fast buck and cut me out of the equation. Id signed a model release and that should have been a dead giveaway that they intended to sell those pictures for a profit. They told me it was a casting or test shoot so they wouldn’t have to pay me. They preyed on my eagerness to succeed and took advantage. Luckily that’s all they took advantage of and I came out of the whole affair unscathed and just disappointed but on an upbeat note id learned a valuable lesson the very easy way.

One day id realise that some people had the nerve to try this stunt requesting hardcore test shoots of girls.

Paper Work

Whenever anyone asks me if I’ve ever had any bad experiences in my career I tend to only speak of one minor incident in my early days. It was more a case of being gullible which resulted in being ripped off on a small scale.

I found alot of my early work in the back of The Stage news paper. The people advertising in there were usually the agents or the people you were really better off staying well away from. My first ever top shelf style shoot was found in there and because I found the agents who in turn put me out to alot of other potential employers it took me a while to work out The Stage was abit of a hit and miss resource.

Every week id rush in to WH Smiths for the latest copy. Most of the time it was the same old adverts but occasionally a new one popped up. Sometimes the ad would run for a few weeks and other times just for one single week.

But as per usual, since id had what I considered an easy and loving entry into the business I liked to think the best of everyone until I had good reason to think otherwise. I was about to learn the hard way.

As id effectively had my induction into the biz with the pro clique I’ve learned all about signing paperwork and my supposed “rights” as a model. All professional shoots required me to sign a model release form. No, that wasn’t so I’d be released from captivity after the trauma of shooting a porno. It simply implied that the material we had just produced belonged to the producer or production studio and they maintained all rights of the footage or images and how it would be used.

It’s pretty damn obvious if you ask me that if I’m having sex with someone with a film crew recording the action and then I get paid that I’m doing it for a purpose but from what I’d heard it was very common for girls to have serious regrets soon after and beg and threaten producers and companies not to release the footage or even to go as far as retracting it.

Can you imagine Hollywood stars pulling this stunt? Tom Cruise saying no I don’t want to be associated with this movie any more, it only got 2 stars in Rolling Stone. Re film it with another star in my place.

OK, OK...I do sympathise with the girls. It’s not nice to find you can’t get a serious job again because your face and vagina are all over HMVs adult section, but you knew what you were doing when you filmed it. If you really hadn’t thought about the consequences you shouldn’t be there. The sad fact is that most porn stars don’t fully understand the consequences. No one can. Human beings aren’t born with hindsight.

Producers often say that no model would ever get very far in court a) because you’d find it hard to find a lawyer willing to take this kind of case on and b) because even if you did manage a) the law on porn is so grey even the authorities can’t tell you what’s what. It would cost someone an arm and a leg to take it to court and chances of you winning would be slim. Plus it risks placing your shady past all over the papers which is what you’re trying to avoid in the first place.

Producers don’t believe in the power of model releases yet they still collect them just in case!

Barbie Girl

I just had to share these with you.

Not only did I find these images amazingly humorous, avant garde, kitsch and above all ironic but I really would consider hanging this type of art like this on my wall.

It kind of reminds me of the time when I was a “Peaky”, that’s a fan of the 90s cult TV show Twin Peaks. I decided to massacre one of my old Barbie dolls from my rather large childhood Barbie collection and make her into Laura Palmer in the opening scenes. I discoloured her with a blue felt tip pen and wrapped her naked in cling film. I felt abit freakish doing that at the time but she would have fit right in here. I’m glad other people enjoy staging psychologically challenging situations with their plastic pals.

http://flickr.com/photos/55396233@N00/sets/72157603702021021/

http://flickr.com/groups/41685257@N00/pool/ - naughty toys group
http://flickr.com/groups/dollxxx/pool/ - plastic porn stars group